Another year has past by, not much different than the one before. Little steps forward, never leaps. Slow and steady. It my only way. Too cautious some may say. I’m ok with that. I’ve lived through much chaos. I’m looking for peace. Cautiously protecting that possibility.
This year….I have a feeling about this one. I have a purpose. I have many purposes. I’ve always said I’d help others like me. I think it has always been a part of my plan. I’ll never look away when something is uncomfortable. I’ll walk toward you hoping to find the right words, trusting my heart and instincts guide me. You are never alone. I’ve got you.
This one I didn’t think I could touch but it wouldn’t be right not to acknowledge it when the emotions run so deep. Although most of you or maybe none of you even know why this song is so important but it is huge to me. The tragedy, the bands I’ve always followed, and the music that’s helped keep me alive, this one is one that hurts and heals in union. To all the songs that have spoken to my soul, this one was needed. Thanks to Gregg Allman for always leading the pack. The little boys who idealized you and grew up to form bands of their own and becoming some of my favorites, thank you. I’ve watched you play so many times and your voice and the emotion behind it never failed to amaze. You will be missed.
“Ain’t Wastin’ Time No More”
RIP Gregg, you were one of a kind.
Some people give a shit and some people just don’t. Don’t be careless. Pay attention to those who don’t acknowledge your pain. They will only hurt you worse.
People make mistakes but the ones who admit them, and ask for forgiveness are better than the ones who appear to be perfect but are actually cold and distant.
Have a heart.
🦄If Only Mommy
Sunset on 15
Life is my heart beating. Life is my chest rising up and down…air filling and releasing. Life is blood pulsating through my veins. Keeping me warm. Life is my thoughts. Life happens without my help and life happens with it but one thing I know, there aren’t always answers. It’s not always automatic. There aren’t always reasons why.
Everything that has ever happened to me, painful things, I’ve had to learn from every angle. When they resurface, after I’m far into healing, it always comes through someone else. Someone I love but just in reverse. I have to learn to understand the other side. I don’t understand how this keeps happening over and over again but I can’t help but wonder…what lesson am I suppose to learn? What did I miss the first time?
Am I suppose to learn that I can have compassion for myself and for someone else doing to someone else what was done to me? It’s hard. It hurts and it opens old wounds that I’ve worked hard healing. I have a hard time just turning my back on anyone. I don’t like when it’s done to me, but sometimes I want to. Sometimes I want to run, but I can’t. I can’t desert someone I love when they’re clearly hurting. When it’s obvious they’ve lost their way. It’s evident that they need support so I must push through. I must start again and try not to let it affect me. At least not outwardly. Now it needs to be private pain because this isn’t about me.
I miss my boring married life where there were routines and patterns. I miss knowing how my days would turn out and how the nights would end. I miss being held and comforted at night. I miss being loved. I miss being touched and kissed and treasured. I miss loving too. I miss giving my love. I love to love.
How can I learn to be selfish. Learn to take care of myself and focus on my new future. How do people put their needs above everyone else’s? I don’t mean my children. Their needs will always be more important than mine but what about everyone else? I’m not built like this but leaving my needs and my self behind, last in line, isn’t going to secure my future and I have to do it alone. Relying on or needing anyone ever again isn’t going to happen. I just hope to love again.
I’m feeling lost and sad about the things I’ve been hearing about. I’m just happy that my normal is pretty solid. I’m just surrounded by so many things that are not. So many people that are hiding many, many secrets. People making huge mistakes and not caring about one another. It worries me.
We must find a better way.
I must find a better way. Happiness, love, simple joys, good conversations, passionate kisses…that’s not too much to wish for, is it?
I’ve always tried to distract myself when something is painful. It rarely ever works. If it works it’s only briefly…very briefly. I am not unique to this. I think everyone does this, a little. I’ve tried to pull from my silly thoughts as I sit around waiting at dance, soccer practice, or the bus stop for my children. I observe everyone around me. Notice differences, similarities, and oddities of routines. I talk to friends. Small talk with others. All of it only momentarily takes me away from the reality. Death is a part of life. It’s painful to lose someone important. Loved. It’s hard to think about. Hard to believe.
When someone I love needs me. I show up. Actually I don’t just show up, I run to them. I drop everything and go. When I hear your voice and it sounds shaken you can always know, I’ll be by your side soon.
Last week when this happened I didn’t want to believe it. I showed up. I was there and I still can’t believe how it ended. I’ve know for a while that your time with us was limited but I wanted more time. I wanted to see you with my children, baking with them, loving them up. I needed more of your guidance because you were an example of hope and how I want to live. Who I want to be.
To be so admired, to have meant so much to so many, and to be spoken of so positively. What a life well lived. We were all so very lucky. I was extremely lucky.