Untouchable

This one I didn’t think I could touch but it wouldn’t be right not to acknowledge it when the emotions run so deep.  Although most of you or maybe none of you even know why this song is so important but it is huge to me.  The tragedy, the bands I’ve always followed, and the music that’s helped keep me alive, this one is one that hurts and heals in union.  To all the songs that have spoken to my soul, this one was needed.  Thanks to Gregg Allman for always leading the pack.   The little boys who idealized you and grew up to form bands of their own and becoming some of my favorites, thank you.  I’ve watched you play so many times and your voice and the emotion behind it never failed to amaze.  You will be missed.

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“Turn on Your Love Light”

RIP Col Bruce Hampton

“Turn On Your Love Light”
Without a warning you broke my heart

You took it darling and you tore it apart

You left me sitting in the dark crying

You said your love light for me was dying
I’m begging you baby

Baby please

I’m begging you baby

Baby please

Turn on the light

Let it shine on me

Turn on your love light

Let it shine on me

Let it shine, shine, shine

Let it shine

Rowww!
I get a little lonely in the middle of the night

I need you darling to make things all right
Come on baby

Come on please

Come on baby

Baby please
Turn on the light

Let it shine on me

Turn on your love light

Let it shine on me
I said a little bit higher (a little bit higher)

A little bit higher (a little bit higher)

Just a little bit higher (a little bit higher)

A little bit higher (a little bit higher)
Come on baby

Come on please

I’m begging you baby

I’m down on my knees

Turn on the light (turn on the light)

Let it shine on me (let it shine on me)

Turn on your love light (turn on your love light)

Let it shine on me (let it shine on me)

I feel all right! (I feel all right!)

I feel all right! (I feel all right!)

I feel all right! (I feel all right!)

I feel all right!
Oh let it shine, shine, shine

Let it shine (come on … yeah)

Digging in Deep

Last night I went out with some good friends.  It’s always so great to get to be myself again. To let go of the things that hold me back. We talked about my struggles for a while, and watching how angered they all get when talking about my exe’s treatment of me and then their eyes fill with tears when they talk about how I’m going to make it fine, makes me feel loved.  They really care about me as I do them.  They always remind me how strong I am. They follow up with calling my ex a douchebag and an asshole, and so on. You know, they say exactly what needs to be said 😉.  They know me. We’re all like sisters. They also knew I couldnt spend the entire night talking about that shot so subjects have to change…thank goodness.

One of my friends brought up an interesting question, if you could be alone in a room with anyone you’ve ever dated who would it be and why? It cracked me up because she had obviously thought of this recently and wanted to share her picks. Her two last boyfriends before she met and married her husband. She included one of them just because she thought she should, a pity pick. It was the other guy she really wanted to be alone with one time, just to see what happened. just to hear what he had to say. This is all just pretend and fantasy. They live in different areas and both are happily married. Their relationship just ended bad and quickly and they never spoke again. There was never closure. I understand why she wanted this. We all want closure. Even if it’s with someone years ago. Even if lives moved on, families were made and life move on. Just because it’s easier to close a chapter once all the questions have been answered.

I couldn’t decide on a pick. As I just wrote that, I thought of who I’d want it to be. Last night, I had no one. I picked my last boyfriend before marriage but not because I didn’t have answers or I still want him. I mean he’a still quite handsome and still single but he’s a mess. BIG MESS!  He doesnt live here anymore anyway. Still super cute and fun so maybe he could be a something (wink wink). Haha.

With this question I realized I needed to dig in deep and examine my patterns. I need to write down what I want from a man. How I need the next person to be. If I dont think about it then how will I ever know. I did this before meeting my husband. He hit all of them. It’s obviously not fool proof but I’m wiser now.

I’m going to dig in deep and try to get to the heart of why my relationships have started and why they all ended. There are only a few long ones. My husband of course the longest and the only one the ended badly. All of these memories have music attached to them and I’m going to try to find one of the ones that popped up when I thought of the last guy. I obviously need a soundtrack attached to my memories! haha!

Memories

I just remembered this song and how I wanted it to be on my birthing mix of music.  For the hospital.  It’s like I’ve be screaming at myself for years and I couldn’t even hear myself scream.  Sad to think about.  This is also when my ex wrote me a note and promise seconds before being let back in the operating room for my c-section.  I didn’t need the birthing mix after all.

His note said, “Ebba (a nickname my family use to call me when I was little that he thought was cute) I promise I’m going to be the best husband and daddy ever.  We are going to have the best little family and I just can’t believe we are about to have our first baby.  You’ve done such a good job preparing for her.   I know I’m going to cry like a baby. I love you so much.”

Too bad he only meant the things during the moments.  When it got hard, he always ran until he started doing (or possibly finally getting caught for) all the terribly cruel and abusive things I’ve written about.  Too bad the moments weren’t the life.

As I sit here writing this I overhear the conversations these ladies walking by were talking about.  They’re complaining about heir husbands not doing his part of the dishes or complaining over who does more of the housework.  I just wanted to scream, but does he love you? Eff the dishes and be happy you love each other.  I promise you if your marriage ends you’ll wonder why you wasted your breath on such trivial things.