The beginning

Hearts beating in tandem.
Space exists but very little.
We live in this space together.
My movements lull you to sleep.
Muffled voices comfort.
Space over time tightens.
There's no more room and I'm being pushed out.
Pulled out.
It's cold.
I don't like change.
Put me back!
Wait….who's this?
I know this person.
This voice.
That smell.
She's pulling me in.
Holding me.
Warming me.
She loves me.
Oh I really love her too.
If I'm here I'm ok.
It's different but the same.
I really love her.
I never want to leave right here.
I hope nothing else changes.
I love her.
I want to stay here.
I need to rest here.
I'm safe.
I feel loved.
This is home.


Splitting children like possessions.
Putting their feelings last.
Focusing on yourself.
Trying to start a new life.
Scaring them.
Confusing them.
No thanks.
I am mommy.
I am home.
Always home.
Always love.

And also…

My baggage is a part of me now. It just is and I must learn to accept it. It helped form me. I'm like a tree on the side of a mountain, whipped and twisted by the wind. Altered from what it once was. Changed from what it could have been but still beautiful. In fact more beautiful because it's shaped and formed uniquely to itself.
So am I.

And then…

I realize I must pick wisely.
Be cautious but brave.
Never stop dreaming about the future.
Let go of those who let go of me.
Find strength from hurt feelings.
Keep being me.
Funny me.
Happy me.
Learn to let people in even when the risk is big and the hurt is still present from before.
Be brave.
Be brave.
Be brave.


It seems I have had nothing to say as of late. I'm always feeling a lot. Worried a lot. Always on the go. Happy but frustrated and yet none of it even matters. I'm lucky and cursed. Aren't we all? Circle thinking. Habitual circle thinker.

I've relied on therapy during the most difficult times. Not strong enough to trust my instincts but not anymore. I've been spot on about everything. Always have been. The problem was never me. My problem was trusting my insight. My intellect. My mind is strong and I am smart. I've just been naive giving trust to the wrong people. Allowing my gift of openness to be used against me as I once refused to believe that most people aren't kind. That most people had hearts and felt more love than they did. I believed everyone at their core was good. I don't believe that anymore. I use to believe that we all connect with our inner child, no matter how old we are, and that place is where we'd go when the road forked and a decision has to be made. Making the right choice, of course, through those child's eyes because we all dreamed of making this world a little better than the one we grew up in. But, that isn't true. Some of us aren't made with love at our cores. Some of us aren't concerned with others. Some of us aren't concerned about the lives changed because of selfish behaviors. Some of us don't give a shit.
I'm not one of those people.
Not even close.
Inside me is nothing but love.
Thank goodness for that.

Life Goals and other ridiculous thoughts. Buckle up!

Sometimes being sensitive and anxious wears at me. Yawn. It's like I get  my feelings hurt and now I'm going to worry about why I do.  Then obsess about learning to not be sensitive.  Followed by worrying about worrying.  Then getting angry because I'm wasting time thinking about it.  Then trying not to.  Try to clear my thoughts.  Meditate….can't.  Think white blank paper…oh no, it's lined. Damn lines.  It's college ruled.  My kids are in elementary school.  I need wide rules. Wait!  No lines…blank paper. Meditate. This isn't working. Ok. Ok.  Eyes closed. Blue cloudless sky.  Clear blue. Just blue. Blue.  Nothing.  Blue.  Small cloud. Wait! Get out of my head cloud.  Blue cloud.  I can't believe he said that.  Ugh. Forget it. Surrender to who I am…🙄big eye rolling moments.  I wonder if it would be cool to not give a shit and never give anything a second thought.  Like if someone said you don't deserve anything you have and that they are going to take it from you and leave you alone with nothing…. I could shrug my shoulders and walk away.  Ten steps later I forgot what was said and I'm doing something else.  LIFE GOALS! Seriously I want to be the shrug it off chick 🤷🏼‍♀️.  

Shruggy McChuggy 🤷🏼‍♀️🍻.  Living life with an ehhh whatever attitude…then forgetting whatever she was ehh-ing. 

Maybe I just want to be oblivious like one of those people that don't get jokes or funny sarcasm.  I could walk around all the time saying, "I don't get it."  Those people don't have anxiety or sensitivities…do they?  I could be like that you tube video of the girl who's boyfriend asks her crazy questions and she gets pissed when he laughs at her.  The, would you want your large pizza sliced into 8 pieces or 12 pieces and say 8 because I can't eat 12.  Haha.  Yes, I'll be like that. Space cadet.