Finding My Way

It’s been a life long struggle, trying to find my way. I have so much passion in so many areas. I have so much heart. I have talent in areas I often outwardly deny, but I do. The problem isn’t doing but how to do and how to find the confidence in myself to push forward without feeling selfish.

I’m going through something lately that I can’t quite explain because I don’t understand it myself. The day to day on this changes as I fight the beast of depression. Some days it wins and I feel time just slipping away. That feeling for sure is new. I miss the naiveté of the movement of time I had years before. I don’t know how or when it began to speed up but it was somewhere in between my multiple life changes; joys and tragedies. I see the footprints of it on my face where once a could see beauty, I now see age dominate. It’s quite humbling.

Seeing lines forming on my face I feel panic viewing the movement of the clock arms, how fast the sun rises and sets, and how it isn’t concerned with me. It just happens. My life, my desires, my loves and passions all should just happen too but they don’t. Is it because I feel tied….restrained due to the nasty words and emotions others have unfairly thrown at me? Is it because I accepted them/believe them?

Mental health isn’t a privilege that only the wealthiest can afford. Mental health is an equalization of sound and touch. It’s a temperature to maintain in the harshest conditions. It’s fragility and strength intertwine making it a type of enigma. One that is incredible difficult to hold but one we all fight for…that is if we are aware the scales inside us are unbalanced. Then there are times when the darkness inside grows and blocks the light. The light that is needed to fight.

Finding my way is a daily battle controlling darkness and grasping to my light. Knowing in the brightest part of me I have so much to give. I’ve always felt it and I think every one of us has that same pull to our reason for being. Our purpose whether big or small.

If only mental health was respected as much as physical diseases. If it was protected. If only our secrets didn’t require being hidden. Our pain judged and forced to be boxed away to survive. Maybe the world around us wouldn’t be crumbling all the time. Maybe these enormous hearts, like mine, so full of pain could heal and then put that big love out in the world through life long passions weighted under so much sadness.

We could all be finding our way to a better day. We could be showing love and appreciating each other. You judges of everyone around you, your judgements are transparent. I can still see your pain. Let’s stop hiding together and start healing so we can all find our ways.

❤️IOM

Not a Puppy Anymore

Announcement – my dog is shitting the floor! Like all the time. More than a prune filled blowout. More than someone who’s partaken in massive amounts of Romaine. It is solid but this dog shits 15 times a day in a circle. I understand she is about a million years old in dog years and past the estimated life span for a dog her size BUT her anus is loose and turds are hitting the floor like bombs. She’s also increased her farting noise and odor. The noise scares her awake and then she shits. She’s developed a bark poop. Noise comes out one end and brown out the other. Everyone keeps telling me to diaper her and all I can think is, why are you so clueless. Y’all, you know she’d eat those diapers and then I’d be cleaning up gel goo all around the poo piles and I just can’t. I love her but, shit…pun intended! Maybe she’s trying to send me a messages or writ in cursive with these shit circles. I bet she’s trying to say she love me in shit smear. I do not know. What I do know is that I mop these floors and clean the mop head like I have OCD. This is how you treat the elderly. You keep loving them even when they’re so old that their sphincters have lost elasticity and the shit gets real. The shit is so real around here.

And that’s all I have to report. Ha!

Judging

I want to live in peace. I want to have fun and live life without the judging eyes of others. Others that don’t know your life. Others that believe lies or decide to see things only through narrow opinionated eyes. I rely on karma a lot but sometimes I wonder if I’ll live to see the day. What I do know is some people have no idea how they’re viewed. Some people really believe their lies and find pleasure in trying to ruin other people’s lives. They find joy in manipulating and verbally abusing children. They are only concerned about their desires and it doesn’t matter who they injure along the way.

So Many Layers (ADHD)

I was just reading what people say it’s like having ADHD and I thought I’d write down what it’s like for me (along with all the other shit that’s going on in my life).

ADHD for me is like I have a million great ideas that I want to share but I can’t write fast enough nor can I type fast enough and there aren’t enough hours in a day to schedule it all. I am coming up with some really awesome ideas in every possible area you can think of (creating moving pieces of art with strong meaning, writing, what causes this disease, how to cure that one, how to teach things, how to get through to people, how to help people, wondering why (and how) most people miss the subtle things people are communicating when they talk…and on and on) and at the same time I’m reflecting on what happened in the past that lead me to the place I am now. I am also trying to solve any problems my children are having as well as the mundane things like meal planning, the best nutrition for the kids, and laundry. Deciding when they need to do what and how to remember it all. How to get myself back out there. How to get more centered spiritually. How to exercise enough to create more energy in me without going to far AND how to get motivated to get started each and every day because time doesn’t stop. It flies by!!!! All these thoughts are fast and constant. Sometimes I hold my breath briefly so my breathing isn’t distracting and I can finish s thought. Weird isn’t it? Not really to me because it’s all I’ve ever known. I can pretty much figure out how to do anything I want to do or need to do as long as I don’t doubt myself. The only thing that holds me back is my self esteem and the only reason I suffer any there is because of the things other people said to me or about me when I was younger. You know the she’s lazy and more focused on friends than her work….not ever was that true but the negative words live inside me still.

If you have a child with ADHD protect them with all you have because others will try and break them down all through school. I’ve always been smart so I was called lazy when my grades weren’t where they were suppose to be. ALL KIDS WANT TO DO WELL IN SCHOOL AND MAKE THEIR PARENTS AND TEACHERS PROUD. Figure out why instead of insulting a child. All behavior stems from a reason. Find the reason. Be their advocate!

Self Image, Body Image, & Raising a Daughter

I worry, just based on her daddy and I not being together anymore and who he is, that my daughter may have daddy issues. I also worry about how to get her to feel confident and happy in her own skin unlike her mother (me) and many or most women I know. I want more for her. Plus daddy issues with body image issues would be a terrible mix that could lead her right into the arms of some terrible people who could treat her in no way how she deserves.

My daughter is rather petite. Quite a bit shorter than I was at her age but still not the smallest in her class. She hates it. I also don’t tell her that she isn’t the height I was at that age. She would be discouraged. I am average height from a family of tall and average heights. Her father’s side of the family is average and short. Her grandmother is just barely 5 feet tall.

My sweet girl is at the age where height is a big deal. Regardless of her height, she is a force to be reckoned with. She’s strong, she battles against the boys in PE challenges and often wins, she’s smart, I’d almost bet one of the smartest in her class if not the smartest, and she is so caring and sweet. I couldn’t have picked a better daughter, even if she looks mostly like her father 😉. She is beautiful inside and out. Now getting her to believe all of these wonderful things about herself forever with all kinds of negative input coming at her all along the way, will be a challenge. We all know the negative things people say sticks.

A few night ago, at my children’s bedtime, my daughter said, “My legs are so meaty.” I said, “Meaty?” She answered by telling me that they had fat on them. I told her everyone has fat and it has an important role in our bodies. I said I’ve always thought it was interesting how different peoples legs are shaped. How some people have really long legs without much change in size from ankle to hip and some with tiny ankles that get slightly wider as the leg goes up. She is a normal 10 year old girl who goes between looking thin to looking normal sized depending on her growth that month and her activity level. Very normal. I know she wishes to be taller and I know some of her friends who are taller have long thin legs, I just hope she’s not already comparing herself to others like this. Her muscular little legs are perfect and strong. She’s never going to have long skinny, stick legs. They’re not in her genes. I just don’t want her to think they’re superior.

I wish I remembered when it happened to me, when the comparisons started to take over and I wanted to be like other people instead of being me. I feel like it started about her age. It’s hard to avoid but I’m going to try to help her however I can.

We don’t talk bodies, not really. I don’t call people fat or skinny even though both of my children notice differences and try to describe people and big, little, long, short etc. Differences are normal and interesting. Differences don’t have to be negative words.

This is a hard part of parenting. We can’t protect our children from everything especially as they get older. My goal is to try to make both my son and daughter understand that we can’t control what other people say to us. We don’t have to allow it nor do we have to believe it. That most of the time when people aren’t nice to us it’s is more about them than about us and we should think, I wonder what’s so wrong in their life that they want to say that to me and to try to not take it personal. Hopefully this will work some because it is true. So very true.

Hills, Valleys, & Hope

My legs hurt and my head busy as I am pushing hard to reinvent myself.  I realize I am a huge contradiction of myself to myself all the time.  Daily.
I am strong and I can do anything
I am weak and broken and changed forever
I am real, true, and good
I am fake, a liar, and a hider
I have value just as me and I deserve to be loved for just that .
Not based on what I do, who I know, where I live, what I drive, my physical condition, my age, or because of who I know.
My value is tied to my profession, my social circle, my bank account, and I am worth more at my thinnest.
My strengths shine
My struggles dominate
I am winning
I am failing
I will be ok
I will never make it by myself and be comfortably and without fear.
I am needed
They would be better off without me
Life
No promises
No fairy tales
Just a drive to get up everyday and make it a good day.
A better one.
Always full of hope.

Born This Way

This is going to be short. I just really figured out something…we are exactly who we are. Our parents try to raise us to be respectful and good but if we aren’t meant to be that way we won’t be. I got more out of watching the people they were than anything. I learned more from their example. But back to the point that hit me tonight, if you have a child that you have a hard time getting to pick up after them selves, clean their room, hurry, or a list of many other things, and they resist, they probably will never do those things instinctually. You will never be able to teach that but they’ll know how even if doing it is always a drag.

Through my life I have thought that once I got married or had children or had a house or the right whatever that I would be organized and tidy and be able to do all the things I wish I did naturally. I will never be. I can clean up and get the house in order but it will never stay that way. I will never maintain a pristine home. It’s not who I am. I will always rush to clean for company. I need to stop fighting against my human nature and do the best I can. We all should. I mean if it’s not evil or something. You should always fight against being an awful person. You get what I mean.

That’s it. That’s all I’ve got tonight 👍🏻.

You’re Rude

What does this sign mean to you? Do you think it means one lane only? I doubt you do since it clearly says, BOTH LANES OPEN.

Tonight on the way home from my daughter soccer practice I pulled up to my local pharmacy to pick up my son’s prescription. As I round the corner to the drive thru I noticed there were 6 cars in lane #1 and no cars in lane #2. I chose lane #2. Wouldn’t you? I was hoping to get his prescription, get home, fix dinner, and have both my son and daughter in bed on time.

I was sitting and waiting patiently in lane 2. I figured they’d get to me when it was time. After two cars passed through lane 1 a lady spoke to me over the speaker and asked me what I was waiting for. She was looking into the computer when the car beside me, in lane 1, tried to get my attention. He was smiling, a little, and I thought it may be one of the soccer dads or someone I wasn’t recognizing because they were sitting inside a car. I made eye contact when he said, hey. I smiled and waved back…hoping to remember who he was. Then out of nowhere he says, Hey, did you know you broke in line in front of like 6 people? I said, No, I didn’t. I chose lane 2 because lane 1 was backed up almost to the entrance. He did not like my answer. He said again, You’re rude. I said calmly, Sorry you feel that way but I picked a lane just like you did and you could’ve picked this lane just as I did. He was pissed off at this point. His eyes were burning an angry hole into me and it was then I noticed there was a woman slumped over, eyes cast down in the passenger side of his car. She looked meek and defeated. He piped up again and said, You should’ve just gone inside instead of rudely breaking in line. You are so rude. Who do you think you are?

I was a bit shaken at this point and it didn’t help that the pharmacy tech was new and confused. She’s coming through the speaker asking me if I’d ever been here before and that she didn’t think I had any prescriptions filled here. Maybe it was a different pharmacy. I use this pharmacy weekly as it is less than a mile from my home. I was so flustered that I told her the name again and told her I would return shortly and drove off. The man had given me the creeps. Red flags galore. I mean what normal man drives up to a woman in a minivan with two young kids in the back and decides to confront her about something that didn’t even make sense. Who does that and continues to badger the woman even though she’s trying to be kind and not call him out on being a dumbass!!!Not someone normal for sure.

For some reason I piss people off. Maybe I look a way that makes people mad or maybe it’s because I won’t argue about nonsense. Maybe I’m in the wrong place at the wrong time. I have no earthly idea.

After getting home I realized he could’ve followed me. I called the pharmacy asked them if I was suppose to use the 2nd lane. They said, Yes, that’s what it’s for. I told them what happened and what time it occurred. I asked them to please contact the man and tell him he cannot verbally attack a woman on their property. That I was scared and I wanted this guy to know that his name was known. I also asked if they couldn’t do this if they would please give me his name so I can report him to the local police department. Just so they know his name in case he knows where I live. He was that mad. Mad enough to scare me and make the hair stand up on the back of my neck.

I returned 30 minutes later and picked up my son’s prescription in the 2nd lane, just as before. There were cars in both lanes this time. I was still afraid he was lurking. My children were scared too.

If I disappear it was the pharmacy guy, in the first lane at 7:05pm. Haha. Hopefully I will be fine 👍🏻.

Panic Attack

Just a moment ago I skimmed an article about panic attacks. I guess I’ve never given a lot of thought to what other people think of them but it struck me as funny that some people think it means being dramatic. Really? So…when I’ve told someone along the way that I’ve had a panic attack they thought I had an emotional fit. Haha. Seriously people.

I’m sure panic attack symptoms vary but I will share what one of my first ones were like. I have a little more control of them now and medicine to help if it gets out of control, so they’re not nearly as scary.

Ok so here it is. Out of nowhere something weird happens in my body, like I feel a weird sensation in my head or I feel my heart do something not normal. Usually following that something happens, that I’d like to describe as cold water being poured from the back of my head and down my back to my feet. By the time that happens my fingers and toes start tingling, like that pins and needles feeling. Suddenly I realize I can’t take a deep breath or yawn. My mouth gets really dry and no amount of water makes it feel better but I usually keep drinking. Everything inside my body gets really loud and my internal dialogue gets speedy and full of what ifs. Everything inside is loud. I feel like I’m dying and like there’s an invisible belt tightening one notch at a time. If I’m around other people all they’d notice is that I’ve become quiet….really quiet. I usually can’t hear (I mean I can but I’m so focus on the loudness inside me that I don’t hear) anything anyone else is saying and I don’t want to. I want to escape but I don’t want to be alone. I want to ask for help but I don’t want to talk about it so I don’t. The lights seem weird and make me uncomfortable. I want to be cold. I want to be outside. I want to pace but I want to be still too. I just want it to end. I try to find a mint to make myself feel like I can breathe better. I want it to end.

When it is finally over I still don’t relax completely. The fear of another one coming terrifies me. It controls me. It happens without reason or circumstance. It isn’t a choice.

It’s exhausting and draining and until you figure out what it is, you think you’re dying. Like really dying. You fear it constantly when you’re anywhere when they first start happening. They take life away from you.

I had my first one at age 20. I pushed down a lot of things about four years prior and tried to move forward without healing. I honestly feel like they happen when you don’t deal with bad things that have happened to you. When you push down emotions. Your body kind of finds a way to make you deal. All that you push down comes ragging to the surface at the most inconvenient times.

One that really stands out to me was during a first date. The guy was really nice and seemed to like me a lot. I had a bad breakup a few months prior and his interest in me made me feel good again. We went out to dinner and to a movie and I couldn’t breathe. I had to leave the theater. I literally got up during this first date in a movie theater without reason and walked out. He came out to find me sitting in the lobby. I was trying to decide if I should just walk out. I couldn’t talk to him to explain. I just tried to smile and finally got out that I wasn’t feeling well. He took me home and I couldn’t get away from him fast enough. Strangely he called again and wanted to go out. I couldn’t. He was a panic attack to me now. He tried for a while longer until I just stopped answering or returning his calls (not nice I know). I can’t believe he even wanted to see me again. I’m sure I seemed like a freak. I wonder what happened to him. Obviously he was a good guy.

Anyway, I just wanted to explain what a panic attack was to me. Not a drama filled fit but actually an uncontrollable internal breakdown…not really but it’s the best I can do.

❤️