Heavy Loads

We’re into our soccer tournament weekend.  Today was steamy!  Whew! It was still super fun.  They play so hard and I love to watch them.  

As I pulled into the soccer complex, circling for a spot, the kids and I were getting pumped up about the games.  We were talking about what might happen, guessing how many goals were going to be scored etc.   We were happy.  Nothing felt wrong.  30 minutes later I snagged a spot someone just pulled out of.  It felt like a win too!  I got our things and we started out walk to find the field we were assigned to.  This is were I felt the slight ting of sadness.  Here I was, keeping the kids close so they’d be safe.  There was lots of traffic and tons of opportunities to get lost in the crowd.  I was carrying a cooler, two chairs, another bag of sunscream, snacks, electronics, my purse and a picnic blanket.  The kids had their balls and a water.  In front of me was a man, his wife, and two boys.  He was carrying the bulk of their load. Behind me the same, a dad carry the heavy loads.  I got to the field and there were fathers and husbands setting up the chairs, the tents, and whatever else they had.  The moms were helping the kids to where they needed to be and keeping the younger ones in check.   Then there was me.  I’m throwing down everything, popping open one chair for B before taking L the water and water sprayer fan she dropped.  I ran back to finish setting up.  Realized I hadn’t put sunscreen on anyone.  I start running around applying sunscreen.  

The game starts and I cheer, like normal.  Running up and down the field (they are really fun to watch).  L scored the first goal. Yippee!  Then the first game was over.  I packed it all up and we went back to the car to get our other bag with lunch in it.  We picnicked to avoid fighting for another parking spot an hour and 1/2 later.  Then we repeated the process again.  

This soccer day was done and after packing it back in the car and heading back home, I feel the sadness again.  I tried to ignore it again.  I always do.  I knew it would return.  My daughter found this Youtube family and watched for awhile before she said, “I like watching this….they have a really good family.”  That sadness stung.  It retuned and I tried to busy it away as I made dinner, drug us all to the store, and then got them ready for bed. After final tucks I came downstairs where it hit me….I will never get over my children not having the family they deserved, I will never move pass the pain I feel when they watch other daddies be there for their children, and I will NEVER forgive him from creating those sad eyes on my children’s faces when he disappoints them yet again.  NEVER.  NEVER.  NEVER!  And I can never fix it.  I cannot make the percentage of likelihood that they will also fail at marriage decrease, I cannot make up for what he does, but I can be a super mom most of the time…even if my smiles turn to exhausted tears when they’re sound asleep at night.  I will be as close to “enough” as I possible can.  That’s all I can do.  

Don’t Cage Me

I have faults…hell yeah I do.  I’ve never claimed to be perfect.  Far from it.  I have this aching doubt that grows within me.  Years and years and years of words I can’t get out.  Raised voices.  Knowing eyes.  Trusting the untrustworthy.  Fuck, it has scarred me.  It doesn’t keep me from smiling.  It’s never kept me from laughing.  It does make me different when I’m alone and those voices inside me get louder.  

When I’m feeling weak and battling to keep the wounds from breaking open, I feel like I’m drowning.  My fists are clinched.  My jaw tight.  My shoulders rise up, tense under my ringing ears.  I feel sore like I’ve been in a boxing match.  Punching my way out.  

You could never cage me.  My truths are evident.  I am kind, loving, sweet.  I am a tight hugger.  I am sincere.  I am a doubled over laugher….mouth wide open….tears running down my face until I can’t breathe.  I fully commit.   I am a full faced smiler.  NEVER try to cage me.  I am all of those good things.  I will love you with my whole heart even it embarrasses me to admit it.  NEVER cage me, not with your assumed ownership of me, or your insulting words.  NEVER cage me with you disappearances causing me to worry that you’re hurt or lost or taken from me. NEVER cage me by leaving my life and never say goodbye, making me think I’ve done something wrong. If you do I will bring out one of my other truths and you will not like it.  I will pounce.  I will break free from your cage and I will come at you with fire in my eyes. I will unleash the anger, I rarely let out, and I will put you in your place.  In that FUCKING CAGE that you wanted me to die in.  The one that you try to break me down and surround me with.  The one make by your terrible actions, words, disappearances, and betrayals.  The one that couldn’t be seen but felt like it weighed a million pounds. 

Don’t blame me for your mistakes.  I wasn’t one of them. 


Vortex

I never get a break.  When things are going smoothly and I finally can breathe, he pulls me back into his narcissistic vortex.  He ignores our agreements, he pushes my buttons, to see if I’ll react, and he almost dares me to take the next step.  He trusts I won’t.  He thinks I’m weak again so he starts sucking me into his hell.  I’m not weak.  I’m just tired.  I’m tired of fighting.  I’m tired of repairing my children’s broken hearts when he does the wrong thing.  I’m tired of worrying about what’s next.

I’ve read a lot that coparenting with someone operating in the Cluster B spectrum of mood disorders, is impossible.  That you have to parent separately without much contact, if any.  I do this the best I can without much contact but it doesn’t prevent him from getting in.  Disrespecting me by ignoring our parenting plan, deciding not to pay me child support to see if he can get away with it, and continuing to decide when and how he pays spousal support.  

I’ve given him until Monday to catch up on his payments.  He won’t give me anything.  This is a dare that he doesn’t think I’ll take, but I have to.  I have to because he’s going to not pay me again if I let him get away with it now.  He knows court is an expensive pain in the ass but he doesn’t care because he knows I’m not going to do it….but I am.  This time I am.  I am because I have to and I do hate court.  I absolutely depise it.  Afterwards he’s going to make my life a living hell so I’m going to have to brace for it.  It makes me nervous.

If the judge makes him do, as he swore in front of her he would do, he is going to use the kids to punish me.  He’s going to punish them to punish me.  

Just knowing makes me feels sick.  Makes me not want to be an active participate in my life.  It makes me anxious and frozen and hurt.  I didn’t deserve this.  The kids didn’t either.  It’s just so unreasonable.  So unkind.  So him.