I would run through a thick briar patch bleeding, wade through a murky swamp at dusk, crawl to the back of a dark, damp cave to free myself from the words that feel like punches to my stomach. Free myself from the rejection and devaluing you quickly decided to wash me with. The blame you covered me with. I would peal out of myself just to not feel how loud the silence was when you twisted my words and disappeared. It was another place I never wanted to go. I would stand in a lightning storm than stand in the false shelter of you because the trust you bestowed broke me again, although I deny it. I’ll continue to deny it forever because I allowed it after being taught never to. I’d been tricked, duped and I’d refused to ever let that happen again but in a brief moment I did and it pushed me back under. It brought the doubt crashing back around me like shards of glass and the warmth turned to cold. Freezing cold and in the distance I could almost see you watching unfazed…not moving toward or away. But when I got a clearer look I saw that you weren’t looking at all but your back was facing me as I allowed the sharp words to return from the atmosphere, cutting open the wounds from before, just deeper this time. So I curled up in a ball, bleeding in the back of this dark cave in my mind.
I felt the warmth. I saw a ray of light. A bright glowing beam and it glowed inside me. I stood to follow it when I felt more. They were all around me….going through me. A warm breeze followed me in every direction I turned. My face tingled and my cheeks were tight. What was this new sensation? Who shown their light on me? How could I trust this was okay?
Then I realized it was me.
The golden rays of light were coming from me.
I was smiling because of me.
Because you can’t rely on the warm glow of another. You have to be your own light.
I must have wished at a time, long, long, ago for world peace. It seems I’m on a constant mission to help people and solve all their problems. It’s like I’m driven by a power I’m not in control of. I HAVE to do these things. I cannot ignore them. What is my problem. Haha. I guess it could be worse.
My thoughts are swirling and I have too many things to say. Hopefully I’ll find an organized thought soon….or not but whatever. Organized thinking…it’s obviously not cool or I’d totally be trying that out. Haha. If only!
That’s all folks. Don’t you feel enlightened? I feel like Charlie Brown, “Good Grief”.
If any of you have been through a traumatic experience you know that memories of that time seem like slow motion or at least to me they do. Most of these traumatic events happened in short spans of time, like minutes. I had a terrible car accident when I was 16. Most of it was wiped from my memory, like it didn’t exist, but the parts I remember had to be minutes long but all feeling warped in my mind. Slow. The traumatic events that occurred at the end of my marriage weren’t minutes but months and months and months. There are a lot of slo-mo moments but there is one that stands out that shouldn’t. I think of it often and in my head it feels surreal and unimportant but the memory resurfaces a lot. I wish I knew why. The major event happened the day after Mother’s Day. My daughter was in kindergarten at the time and my son pre-k. A few days after, probably like Wednesday, I was walking to the bus stop with my son to wait for my daughter to return home from school. As I was walking down the sidewalk, passing by my neighbor’s houses, one mom was in her yard. She said, “Hi” as did I. Then she said, “What are you going to do next year when he starts kindergarten?” Trying to cover my pain and panic from the events of the week I just said, “Miss him.” Then she went on to tell me what she and some of the other stay-at-home moms do when their kids are in school and said I should join them. I remember her talking but I have no idea what she said. I remember she was animated when she was describing this or that. Maybe a gardening club, maybe the movies…I honestly have no idea what she said. I just remember holding my little boy’s hand and feeling very numb. Almost like I didn’t exist.
I think I lived many days like that. Going through the motions but floating, translucent in grief. Crumbling pieces of me. Hollow eyes. My insides feeling concave.
I may write like I’m still in that place. I may seem like I haven’t moved forward at times, but I have. I’ve moved many, many miles and minutes and emotions away. People advise me, try to push me into whichever stage they think would be good for me next but I’m not pushable. What happens next is just going to happen organically. It’s going to flow into my life. Not be forced. There is and will always be a dark, thick, charcoal line sketched to define before and after. This isn’t sad or negative. It just is. The after has been a stage of regrouping. Forced to take the road less traveled. The end is always the same for you, for me, for everyone. The in-between…we will see.
There are two kinds of people in my life. The people that knew me before I met my ex and the people that knew me during and after. The way the two different groups of people react to me is hilarious. The people that knew me before are all jokes and fun. They treat me like the old me (the real me). They smile and laugh and tell me, let’s hang out soon. The later group all look at me with kind smiles. Their smiles hide the pity they feel for me. They lightly pay me on the back. You know the pat, pat, pat, you poor dear. The group of mamas I know that politely ask me to go out with them on girls night but don’t think I can hang. The pity invite. The she might be a drag, invite. I haven’t been able to go yet but when I do….their impressions will change and it won’t be because I’m trying.
I’m not sad. I just had a jackass treat me and our children like we were nothing. It doesn’t mean I think I am. We are fanfuckintastic. He is defective.
I looove to surprise people…..oh what a surprise!
It seems I’ve been full of moods lately. I guess we all are. My head is on straighter than it’s been in the past few years. I have a plan and like I said long ago there isn’t time to worry there is only time to plan. Deciding what to do is always part of the battle. Overall I am happy however i feel like so many lives are crashing around me. Maybe they have always been with the difference being, I’m the go to person for everyone I now. That’s okay. I love to help. I love to listen and I love to be a safe place to land without judgement. How I fight the triggers, I don’t know. God must be helping me.
Did you know it is okay to let go of someone that isn’t good for you? Even if that’s not who you are? It is. It is actually freeing. To just say F&@$ it! I’m not Bernadine…that’s reference is backwards but you catch my drift. Hah.
So what has brought you joy today? My joy comes from my children most of the time. Today I got a kick out of my 7 year old asking me questions about turbines and kWs. I think I was like WHHHHAAAT!? I also had the patience to get both of them to tell the truth about their separate behaviors (meltdowns) today, by bedtime. Different issues. It always comes down to exhaustion, hunger, or hurt feelings. Tonight it was about hurt feelings. I’m blessed they trust me enough to tell me. Makes me feel like Super Mom! Tee hee!
On a good note I met a new friend and I let go of an old one that didn’t really care about our friendship. Both were freeing. Less moods and tudes but only better days on the horizon. Sunshine and rainbows (as one of my good friends always says). I say cheers 🍻 to my future because we all know it is going to kick ass, even if it’s hard! Love and hugs and kisses and warmth and dreams and someone to run to…my future 🕶.
Love y’all! Mean it!
I am reminded daily the reason why I’m not ready. I’m not strong enough in self to defend off someone who is eager to fool me. I crave love but I fear it more. I’ve been burned badly by manipulators who fake interest only to use it against me. I have let go only to be punished by it and I have opened up with racing heartbeats and smiles so big it hurts to only find out that this was a game. These are the reasons that I’m not ready. I’m easily fooled because I am so real. I am not trying to use anyone. I am not trying to trick anyone. I don’t have any interest in playing to win you just to let you go because game over. I am not strong enough to know the difference between true words and a chase. I cannot take anymore tricks. My strength depends on not having this done to me anymore. Am I afraid to have a relationship end because it isn’t working? Yes and no. Of course I don’t want to be hurt or hurt someone else but what I fear the most is being tricked. Manipulation is evil. It doesn’t play fair.
My reasons are clear even if I do not like them. Too many people fake kindness…seem genuine and true. The worst are those who lie to themselves about never being cheaters, never lying, and always being the one mistreated. Those are the worst. They’re the ones that keep fishing everyday trying to reel on their next conquest. I don’t get it. Maybe if these precious innocent lives weren’t in the balance it wouldn’t matter but they are and it does.
I will never be taken advantage of again.
I deserve more.