Thought From My Overactive Mind

Many people who know their loved one is a narcissist still seek their approval and don’t hold them accountable for their actions. They will hold the abused more accountable to a avoid being shunned by the abuser. Even though the shunning is inevitable. Enablers value being liked by the narcissist momentarily than acknowledge the damaging disorder. Time after time after time. They appear to have a dry erase board type of memory to the narcissist’s offenses. Wiped clean after each offense.

It’s amazing to see the control they have over friends and family they discard and circle back around to. They get praised for crumbs of affection. Forgiven for mistreatment even without an apology or even an acknowledgment. Clean slate every time.

Not me. I’ve got a memory board marked with sharpie.

Permanent.

He named her “Snowy”

Moments.

A moment.

The moment.

Brief yet everlasting.

And then all out.

All

Nothing left inside.

Everything remaining out.

Visually here but gone.

I see you.

Warmth still felt upon your skin.

Your hand.

I hold you.

Thank you.

Tell you I’ll never stop missing you, loving you, needing you.

Then you’re gone.

Then you’re gone.

4 years pass and you’re gone.

I am here.

He named her Snowy, is what I would’ve told you today if I could’ve called you. I knew you would chuckle at that. He always made you laugh. She did Tutu.

❤️

Home

It lives and breathes but it shouldn’t.

It is where it all began.

Where they began.

Where they started.

It’s where we started.

It lives and breathes.

It’s where they said yes.

It’s where they changed me.

It where the love was more than I ever knew.

It’s where they came to me.

It’s where my smile hurt my cheeks.

It’s where I was happy.

It lives and breathes.

It’s where they watched me live.

It’s where the clean garage waited for visits that could only be in the car… until they were no more.

It’s where a placed a bench in the yard for you to sit and watch when the stairs were too hard…until they were no more.

It’s where I was when the loss of you made the air leave my lungs, my throat sting, and my eyes hurt from crying. It’s where you left me.

It lives and breathes.

It’s where they came and where their last breathes were released.

It lives and breathes.

It’s the place that kept me safe and hid my tears.

It never judged me when I fell apart and slept more than lived.

It held me in its walls when you let me go.

It surrounded me and the babies and kept our love safe.

It lives and breathes.

It lives and breathes.

It lives and breathes.

Granny

I’ve helped a lot of elderly people with illnesses in my life.  Most closely my parents.  I know how to keep all staff at every emergency room, ambulance, iCU, specialty doctors, hospice nurses as well as primary care doctors all updated with records from each other.  If you think they just do this please know that they do not communicate unless you ask them to and if you ask to send records, most of they time they’re not sent unless you call both places back and forth until it’s done.  I understand they’re overworked.  So I took on these things as my job and I was good at it.  I’m still good at it.  Lots of mistakes are made of you aren’t keeping up with all the information.  Lots of errors are made.  More than anyone would ever be comfortable with.  It’s mainly due to communication and lack there of.

I’m bringing this up because someone I love dearly is sick.  She has the flu and bronchitis, which we all know is just a step before pneumonia, which I’m not certain she doesn’t have.  It is messing with her heart.  She is intubated because her lungs are so full of gunk that she can’t breathe, she is sedated because she is anxious and she’s been fed and hydrated because she can’t do it alone right now.  She could 2 days ago.  Just not today.  This is my children’s Granny.  My exes grandmother but she is just as much of a grandmother and friend to me.  I adore her.  I always have.  She is tough, she says it like it is, and she is very wise.  She has talk with me and prayed with me a lot during the difficult times with her grandson.  She is strong in her faith.  She sugar coats nothing and she gave me the most uncomfortable, descriptive information on breastfeeding before my first child was born.  It was absolutely hilarious.  There’s not that many times in life you want a 90 year old talking about nipples.  She’s a mess.  

I pray she’s going to be ok.  I’m not ready to lose her.  Are we ever ready to let go of anyone we love?  No.  She is strong.  She works out at the YMCA every morning at 5:00 and has for years.  She shags and loves to go out dancing.  She still does her own yard work and still drives.  She’s tough.  

I hope every one is watching her closely.  I hope they are being cautious about what meds they are giving her due to her age.  Did I mention that she’s 95.  I wish I could be there but I’m at home with a sick child.  I finally got one back to school and now the other one is sick.  So many germs!!!  I just wish I could be there.   Praying that this tough granny has many more years to come.  I love you Granny.

Praying 

💕😢iom

When I knew I was married to a monster.


I wrote this a few years ago when my husband began showing me his true colors. The man I thought he was was gone and I was left confused, afraid, and alone. I feel so bad for the me that wrote this. She was lost and so very sad.

How I feel

I am in a small boat in the middle of the ocean.

I have no paddles.

The boat has no motor.

Our babies are in a boat close to me.

I can take care of them but they’re alone on their boat.

Sometimes when the water is calm we all seem very happy.

Our boats are side by side.

When the water is wild and the waves are big we are scared.

They have each other and hold on to each other tightly but they are really still babies and shouldn’t be alone.

I cannot reach them when the water is angry like this.

I am alone in my boat and the water controls it.

My boat is strong yet small.

It keeps me alive but it can’t get me to the shore.

You are the ocean. ~ IOM 
Life with a cluster b is unexplainably difficult.  It is like your words leave your mouth never to be heard. 


I’m so happy that I am now in control.

❤️IOM 

Why oh why oh why!

Seriously people!  WHY is all of this so hard!  It is not difficult to be a good person, be kind, love your family, and raise your children to follow your example in this world.  Why did I marry a con! How did he trick me?  He isn’t that cool.  HIs glass is certainly ALWAYS 1/2 empty.  Poor pitiful sex addicted, drug selling, porn producing, crazy man.  You were just a normal guy when we met.  You were just a normal husband when we had our children.  Now look at you, you’re Lamar Odem with out the basketball skills and reality tv fame.  Thank you, GOD, for holding me up.  Thank you for keeping me strong!  Thank you for my smallish boobs too.  I couldn’t carry the load of big ones with all this, soon to be ex, husband’s baggage too!
  

Love to all

Peace to you

Love your mama and your daddy too

Be kind

Be free

Feel the music 

It will set you free

🖕🏻<— have you noticed the new emoji?!  Glass 1/2 full baby ;)!

iommmmmooooommmmeeeeeeeeee

Biscuits, cross stitches, and love

When I was a little girl I was filled with hope and laughter. Everyday seemed endless, with hundreds of opportunities. I would run barefoot on the worn path between my house and my grandmother’s. She would always welcome me with open arms full of tight hugs. We would make biscuits and pies and other concoctions from the cook books she had. We would sew, she taught me how to cross stitch and she gave me a butterfly to cross stitch for mama for mother’s day.
I would plant flowers with her and weed through the garden. We’d hang clothes on the clothes line and I would just be mesmerized by the way the rays of the sun filtered through the bed sheets and how they would blow up with one swoosh, into the air. It was like someone was putting on a show for me and the wind would push me and twirl me as I weaved through the blowing, magical sheets. I became the star of the show and when the wind would calm, the audience would stand to applause. I would curtsy and then skip away behind Grandma, to see what else we would be creating. I would never be disappointed. Even on slow days, I could just lie on my back in there cool, green grass and watch the big fluffy clouds make pictures in the sky, an elephant, a giant ear, 3 little pigs and more. I’d close my eyes and think of the family I’d have one day. I see them all laughing. My beloved husband standing behind me so proud, arms around my waist, taking claim of me like someone else might steal his most precious catch. Loving me and treating me as if I was a present, lifting me up, complimenting me, making me feel valued. Our children running around, playing tag, laughing hysterically when someone got tagged. It was a beautiful dream. I remember being so excited to have that family one day.

I have a family. It’s mostly the one I dream of (glass 1/2 full). The part that is not my dream is the part where my DH and I are a team. Where we truly love each other and we work together to raise our children and run our household and life! Instead I have a husband who cheats, lies, runs, returns, runs again and leaves my kitchen bowl filled with questions that aren’t blending up to make anything but a tasteless mess, a flag cake, just a flopped combination.

Where did I go wrong.
Why didn’t I trust my gut 12 years ago when I felt something was “off” when I got flowers all the time, when he’d just stop by to see me or when he wanted to see me everyday. Something was off but I tried to ignore it…..I’m glad I did because of my babies but I wish I’d heard it a little because this man is now their father. He is failing. He is disappearing . He isn’t answering the questions they ask. He runs.