Can’t

You know lately I’ve felt…pretty defeated. Worthless. Like nothing is ever going to go right. I act happy around my children as much as possible even if there are days I can’t. That in itself has always been exhausting. Finding out all these ridiculous infidelities of my husband’s, going through both of my parents illnesses and deaths (and I’m not old enough to have lost both my parents), and raising my children’s basically alone without help….it’s just so much. Even now when I would’ve thought things would be different, that I would be further down the path where I’m more financially independent. I’m not. That alone is scary. Suffocatingly scary. Sad. Being a stay at home mother for 10 years makes you less than in a pool of many other applicators for jobs. I get denied quickly or never acknowledged…no response. Even with follow ups, no replies. I can’t work for less than it would cost to care for my children in my absence and that makes zero sense to me. Living on child support and alimony isn’t great when your ex controls it and you can’t count on what you’re getting or when. He pays child support just enough for me not to pursue legal options and alimony, pah….it would take tons of money to an attorney to maybe get that ever. Going back in a courtroom scares me because my exes new girlfriend is an attorney who has knowledge to all the tricks of the trade and is well connected in that world. I’m too scared to get screwed to attempt it. He knows he has me. It’s sucks and I don’t want to rely on him financially forever….it gives him too much control. We all know cluster bs like this love to control. Domination.

I realize the only way I’ll be able to maintain the lifestyle my children are use to is to find someone to marry again….that’s out of the question. I will never do that. Not ever. So I’m stuck because my ex cheated and lied and ruined our family and now our children and I have to pay for it, not him. It’s utter bullshit. I’m frustrated and depressed and feeling rather hopeless today. I’m hoping just getting it out will help make it go away. I just want to have some peace. I want to raise our children, enjoy them and remember who I use to be. I struggling to remember anymore.

Can’t Find My Way Home

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Say Cheese!

Facebook memories reminded me of something I hadn’t thought of in a while. There are lots I’d choose to forget, this is one of those things. I’ve written a lot here about my ex cheating on me and the end off our marriage (the stripper, the secret apartment, strip clubs, ignoring our children, and treating me like I was nothing) but I think I’ve only touched on the first time he cheated on me. Let’s be real…the first one I found out about.

After our daughter was born I was happy, fulfilled, and thrilled at finding my life’s purpose. I took to motherhood like it was always meant for me. I adored our daughter. I loved our family, the 3 of us. It made me love my husband differently when I saw him love our sweet little girl. He wasn’t perfect. He criticized everything I did but I blew it off as him being insecure about his abilities as a father. Well, that and he always wanted his thoughts and ideas to be listened too…ok more like obeyed and I just didn’t do what he thought was best unless it really was. I was with her all the time. I knew her better than anyone. I wasn’t going to let him dictate from the sidelines. You want a say, you have to be a part of the process. I’ve never been a fan of someone barking orders but never doing the work. How would you know the answers of something you’ve never done. You wouldn’t.

I was fine with him not doing a lot for her. I chose to be a stay-at-home parent and in my eyes, it was my job.

When our son was born things changed. As much as I wanted him around more with our daughter, I didn’t need him to be. I could handle one baby, two was a different story and recovery from a c-section with 2 under 2, not being able to climb the steps, pick up anything heavy (including our daughter), for a little while, made it more apparent. I needed his help. But guess what, he didn’t help. Big shocker. The more I asked for help the more he was away. The more I cried for help, the more excuses he made. The more I called or texted, the less he answered or responded. He didn’t want this family. It was becoming more and more obvious. 6 weeks after our son was born, we took our first (planned) beach trip together, without him. He was too busy. He’d come in a few days. He came two days late and left two days early. He couldn’t ride with us. No way. Listening to the kids cry, having to stop for diaper changes, feedings etc. he wanted no part of it. Was he home to help me pack the car before we left? No way. Did he call to make sure we made it safely…nope. Was he at home when we returned…not even close. He waited long enough for the car to be unpacked, the kids bathed, and ready for bed before he’d pop in to rejoice in hugs, kisses and goodnights….five minutes before their bedtimes. This continued for two years. I did everything for our children. He was as absent as he could possibly be. More and more overtime and he was AWEFUL to our son. He yelled at him constantly. The poor baby couldn’t do anything right in his daddy’s eyes. I won’t go into too many details but it was so bad. So, so bad. I’ve written about it before. I can’t stomach reliving that part tonight.

By the time our son turned two my husband was barely around. He’d come home late every chance he got, played golf on the weekends, and went to work out in his spare time. He decided he would take a health trip to work out and focus on himself. He asked me if it was ok a month before and I said I didn’t think it was a good idea. It was expensive and for 10 days. He really wasn’t asking. He asked but knew he was going no matter what I said and he did. I was furious! 10 days went by and he decided to sleep with one of the girls that was there to. Someone he’d never met before. Someone from another state. After he returned, he was different. When someone would try to take a picture of us as a family, he would make weird faces that I think he was trying to make look like it was just accidental. That would’ve been possible if it wasn’t like that for every photo I was in. With the kids he smiled for the camera. With all four of us he grimaced or turned his head or did something odd. I mean every single one. It took me 3 months to bust him for his affair and once I did I realized it was some kind of code for her. Something to make sure she knew that his marriage was failing and he wasn’t happy. He knew I would post them on Facebook and she might see and think he actually loved me so he made bad faces to let her know. It was insulting and degrading and really hurt my feelings. As much as he pissed me off for not being there for me and our children, I honestly thought as they got older he would improve. I really thought he just could handle little children…babies. I figured once they were in school he would be better. I was so wrong.

In my Facebook memories today a photo popped up of 4 people. A good friend and her boyfriend with my ex and me. Everyone was smiling and it would have been a great picture but…someone looked like he was constipated and in major pain, eyes squinted, mouth turned sideways. He was a major pain in the ass. How mean was that! So mean. Who does that?!? I’ll never understand him. Never. Purposely hurting his wife and the mother of his children. Purposely ignoring our feelings for his own. Total narcissist. And think, I thought it was just an expression before, not a personality disorder. I was so naive.

It’s hard being a normal, kind, loving, honest person and co-parenting (haha coparenting my ass) with someone so far from what I think a father should be.

Say cheese 🤨!

Santa I Believe!

Since having kids I’ve been incredibly annoyed at how many Christmas movies, TV shows, and plays outwardly question if Santa is real. Most of them even suggesting parents give the presents! I’m not sure they’d even question it as early as most do if they aren’t constantly told to doubt it.

He named her “Snowy”

Moments.

A moment.

The moment.

Brief yet everlasting.

And then all out.

All

Nothing left inside.

Everything remaining out.

Visually here but gone.

I see you.

Warmth still felt upon your skin.

Your hand.

I hold you.

Thank you.

Tell you I’ll never stop missing you, loving you, needing you.

Then you’re gone.

Then you’re gone.

4 years pass and you’re gone.

I am here.

He named her Snowy, is what I would’ve told you today if I could’ve called you. I knew you would chuckle at that. He always made you laugh. She did Tutu.

❤️

Halloween, Wants & Needs

We made it through and the kids had a blast! They love halloween and I love watching how excited they get. It’s pretty fantastic. I love their joy. It’s infectious. That’s where my happiness lies. In them. It’s not that I depend on them to be happy, it’s just….I love them. Like I should. Like all parents should. I mean kids are pretty incredible (minus the tantrums, messes, and stubbornness).

You see, recently someone asked me in a shocked way….You don’t date?! I’ll admit for a few days it made me feel like something was wrong with me but I know there’s not. I’m ok. I don’t need someone to date to be happy. I don’t need to have a man by my side to be happy. I am happy. What I need is financial stability. I need less worry. I need time to work it all out before anything else crumbles. I need to keep my children’s life as normal as possible until I get there. The problem is, time never waits. It keeps moving and I’m not where I need to be.

I don’t need someone new to make me feel loved. I don’t look for it and I don’t feel less than without it. I miss being married. I miss the comfort it originally brought but the end result wasn’t comforting. It was HARD.

I have love. I love my children and they love me. Right now, that is all I need. It’s everything, it’s enough, and I’m strong enough to be alone until someone shows up easily and it just fits. Not looking for it. It just slides in like it was always there. If it doesn’t, I’ll be fine with that too.

Walking around my neighborhood with my children tonight I noticed all the windows filled with that warm amber light that always means home to me. It makes me think of my mother patting my little leg and calling me her sweet little girl. It reminds me of the smells of her cooking. It makes me remember her face at the door, waiting, as I drove in the driveway. Always waiting to welcome me home. To the warmth of that amber glow. To the love of home.

I know I’m that glow to my children. That love is bigger, it’s more important than anything else. I am home.

❤️ – Happy Halloween 🎃