While I was talking to my good friend M yesterday she mentioned someone we know from our hometown. She was saying that her children spend a lot of time with their grandmother now since this person and their father divorced. She mentioned that their mother worked a lot but when she wasn’t working she was focused on her social life and dating. This mom was more focused on getting her life back on track, finding her next love, and moving on with a new life. M went on to say that she wasn’t putting her children first, like I was. It made me think…I am putting my children first. Not because it’s the right thing to do, it’s the only thing to do. After all the crazy chaos they been through, bringing a new person in their life would be difficult for them and I’m sure they’re not ready for that. I’m not.
I started to think about the few divorced adults I knew growing up and I remember two (seriously there may have been 3 couples) of them had an immediate new relationship, followed by a marriage, and new family made. How difficult it must have been for their children. I know they felt loyal to the other parent and felt like this new person was an intruder. I can’t imagine the confusion. Even a good friend of mine who’s parents divorced when she was an adult and remarried less than 2 years later says how difficult that is. How she feels like she can’t talk about her other parent, how she has no home to go to anymore. She has her mom and new guys house and her dad and new lady’s house. Neither place feels comfortable. Neither place is like coming home. Her home no longer exist. Her home was her parents house. She’s misplaced. I think a lot of children, even adult children of divorce lose their identity. Lose their place in this world.
I feel a slight bit of pride knowing that a large part of why I’m not really ready to date is because of my children. I don’t want them to have to adjust to a new person when they’re still adjusting to their parents not living together. They don’t need me dropping them off with someone all of them time so I can live it up. So I can have an active social life. They need time. I will put them first my entire life. I will put them first forever. They will never question that. I’ll make sure of it.
I do understand I need time for myself. It’s good for me to have adult relationships and have times when I do things separate from my kids. I do have these times. I just don’t need them constantly. I have them when they are with having daddy time. I chose to have my children and I will raise them. Not act like they’re a nuisance and in the way of my life.
One day I hope I find someone to love and to be loved by, but I’m not in any hurry. I don’t want to go to dating sites and force the issue. I hope that one day, when we’re all ready, it will just fall into place. I have a feeling that it will. Long before any of that happens the kids and I will have already discussed these things and figured out how it will work best. It’s their home and life too. I could never be a person that forced someone in their life without knowing how they’d feel about it first. Before anyone even existed. That feels right to me.