Throughout my life I’ve often envisioned how I hoped things would be. I like to see my future plans in my mind and hope I can achieve bits and pieces of these dreams of my future.
When I was younger, before getting married or having children, I envisioned how that would play out. I wouldn’t plan the big things in my mind just little things. Like I thought it would be cool to plant a tree after each child was born so as they grew the tree would too. It would be their life tree. I dreamed of taking my children places to not just tell them about things but actually show them. I dreamed of being really involved in a great church so they could grow their faith and have a group of church friends they grew with through the years. I also hoped that their father and I would be fun parents who handled discipline as a learning experience and not just a timeout corner. But with everything in life, you just don’t know until you know…so some of my thoughts for the future were just not realistic.
What I wanted from a husband I thought I had found mostly. He was a strong leader, successful, confident, yet loving, adventurous, silly and playful too. That was until we had children.
After getting married and having children I realized none of my dreams, with him and as a family, would come true.
The tree thing was shut down and I was told the stupid tree would probably die and then what….I have to keep planting tree after tree after tree hoping one of them lives. I’m not doing that. It’s dumb. So I had to let that go and I was ok with it. I just wanted the do it but it wasn’t a need.
Church was a battle from day one. I could only convince him to go occasionally but when I did he would complain the entire time making the experience miserable. When the kids were born they were either too loud, too hard, or he’d take so long to get ready we’d be late, causing more stress than necessary. It became a bad experience every time not the one I wanted to be good. I gave up most of the time but on the times I rallied through and tried to go without him he’d make me feel horrible about leaving him out. It was a no win situation. I felt like everything was.
Travel was a joke. When we were dating and first married we took fun trips but after the kids arrived, he took fun trips and left us behind. I could argue and be offended or upset but it didn’t matter. He didn’t change his plans. He’d just bring us back a dumb gift and be offended if we weren’t over it by the time he got home. He would tell me I was always mad about something and a grudge holder. It was really exhausting keeping reality and his versions of the truth separate. I refused to be tricked by his versions of the truth.
His versions of he truth about events that had occurred were so far fetched that I couldn’t be convinced they were reality which mad him try harder and become angrier when I challenged him. So, I learned to be quiet and nod. Nod not to acknowledge I was listening or nod to move on to something else. It was the way I survived. The only lies that ever got me were the ones he’d say about me….you know the ones, you’re gaining weight, you’re lazy, you’re a bad mother (usually followed by I wish I’d had a mom who cared as much as you care about our children). The insults he said to me still kind of live inside me. I know they’re not true and that he just wants to break me but I still hear the words and I still question their truth on bad days.
It’s been years since my husband and I have been together. He’s moved on a million times but I’m still stuck. He’s never been alone without a new girlfriend or numerous ones yet I am still afraid to get close to anyone. So in that way I guess he won. The damage was done and I can’t trust. I don’t want to take the risk. I don’t think I could do any of that ever again with anyone else. It’s too hard. I think I’d break if it happened again. I think I’d be easily tricked again because I want to be loved and because I want someone to care I think someone could take advantage of that.
This is what I infidelity does to a person. This is what being with a narcissist does to someone who was once strong. You move forward, after surviving the battle, and live with incredible strength but also incredible fear. People say healing takes time. I think healing never ends. I just hope the scars will fade and I’ll learn to find a way to step outside of myself enough to let someone great in one day.
If Only Mommy 