He named her “Snowy”

Moments.

A moment.

The moment.

Brief yet everlasting.

And then all out.

All

Nothing left inside.

Everything remaining out.

Visually here but gone.

I see you.

Warmth still felt upon your skin.

Your hand.

I hold you.

Thank you.

Tell you I’ll never stop missing you, loving you, needing you.

Then you’re gone.

Then you’re gone.

4 years pass and you’re gone.

I am here.

He named her Snowy, is what I would’ve told you today if I could’ve called you. I knew you would chuckle at that. He always made you laugh. She did Tutu.

❤️

All of me

Thoughts I try to keep in front of my emotions…

1. If someone wants to be in your life they will try and not give up easily.  Those who barely try or push you away and pull you back don’t really care.  You are just a void filler for them when no one else is around.  
2. Trust yourself.  Trusting others isn’t necessary.
3. Needing someone to make you feel safe isn’t really a need.  You can take care of yourself.
4. When bad things happen, the people that really care about you show up.  They contact you in some way to make sure you’re ok.  The ones that don’t, do not.  Don’t waste time on the ones who do not.  It’s a waste of time.  Love the ones who love you back.
5. When someone toys with your emotions walk away…scratch that….RUN AWAY! 
6. When someone does show you you’re worth their time, you’re worth a top spot in their lives, and you are someone they never want to be without, let them love you.  Let them know you.  Let them know all of you and be free and open with all of who you are.  You deserve big love and someone will smile everyday to be loved by every inch of you.  Everyday. Even hard days ❤️.
7. Be smart about your choices.
8. Never accept crumbs.
9. Remember you are not replaceable.  Understand your worth.  Live it.

My #1s

While I was talking to my good friend M yesterday she mentioned someone we know from our hometown.  She was saying that her children spend a lot of time with their grandmother now since this person and their father divorced.  She mentioned that their mother worked a lot but when she wasn’t working she was focused on her social life and dating.  This mom was more focused on getting her life back on track, finding her next love, and moving on with a new life.  M went on to say that she wasn’t putting her children first, like I was.  It made me think…I am putting my children first.  Not because it’s the right thing to do, it’s the only thing to do.  After all the crazy chaos they been through, bringing a new person in their life would be difficult for them and I’m sure they’re not ready for that.  I’m not.  

I started to think about the few divorced adults I knew growing up and I remember two (seriously there may have been 3 couples) of them had an immediate new relationship, followed by a marriage, and new family made.  How difficult it must have been for their children.  I know they felt loyal to the other parent and felt like this new person was an intruder.  I can’t imagine the confusion.  Even a good friend of mine who’s parents divorced when she was an adult and remarried less than 2 years later says how difficult that is.  How she feels like she can’t talk about her other parent, how she has no home to go to anymore.   She has her mom and new guys house and her dad and new lady’s house.  Neither place feels comfortable.  Neither place is like coming home.  Her home no longer exist.  Her home was her parents house.  She’s misplaced.  I think a lot of children, even adult children of divorce lose their identity.    Lose their place in this world.  

I feel a slight bit of pride knowing that a large part of why I’m not really ready to date is because of my children.  I don’t want them to have to adjust to a new person when they’re still adjusting to their parents not living together.  They don’t need me dropping them off with someone all of them time so I can live it up. So I can have an active social life.  They need time.  I will put them first my entire life.  I will put them first forever.  They will never question that.  I’ll make sure of it.

I do understand I need time for myself.  It’s good for me to have adult relationships and have times when I do things separate from my kids.  I do have these times. I just don’t need them constantly.  I have them when they are with having daddy time.  I chose to have my children and I will raise them.  Not act like they’re a nuisance and in the way of my life.  

One day I hope I find someone to love and to be loved by, but I’m not in any hurry.  I don’t want to go to dating sites and force the issue.  I hope that one day, when we’re all ready, it will just fall into place.  I have a feeling that it will.  Long before any of that happens the kids and I will have already discussed these things and figured out how it will work best.  It’s their home and life too.  I could never be a person that forced someone in their life without knowing how they’d feel about it first.  Before anyone even existed.  That feels right to me.

Kids 1st….always.

❤️

Momma and Mostly Daddy too

Most days I am mommy, momma, mama and it seems I also play the role of daddy.  I can do it but I wish I didn’t have to.  I wish they had a daddy they could count on.

The kids had their first school dance.  It was suppose to be daddy/daughter Mother/son.  He said he was going.  She asked me if it was ok if he could come  in after their Wednesday night dinner to see her new dress.  I said ok and she showed it off basically begging for his approval.  He left with a little see you Friday.  Which was the dance night.  I sent him a text Friday morning to not forget and a few hours later reminding him that he would be taking a photo with our daughter. He replied to that one. He wasn’t coming.  He’d make it up to her and they could have their own daddy/daughter dance.  That he would wear his tuxedo. He never called her.  He doesn’t get that she doesn’t care about him making it up to her.  You only have one first school dance. You can’t make that up.  You have to show up.  

It’s never going to end with this guy.  He will never put them before himself.  He hasn’t called them since Wednesday and he just didn’t show up.  It’s inexcusable.  The kids and I had a fun time and we took a picture together, the 3 of us.  

Today we took a road trip to the beach for the day and had a lot of fun.  I just love my babies.  They are so cute and so smart.  I’ve done everything for them their entire lives.  I know that they always know they can count on me.  Hopefully that will be enough.

Goodnight 💤 iom

🌷Lifers🍀

Connections have always interested me.  Why people click, want to hang out more, talk more, get closer to, and confide in more.  I know common interests leads as the top dog of reasons but the other, less obvious ones are what catch my interest.  Do we admire people and want to know them more?  Of course we do.  Do we like people who make us feel good about ourselves?  Absolutely.  Do we bond with people who need us?  Yes.  

People come and people go.  There are lifers and there are those who pass in and out like the seasons.  Everyone matters.  All connections change you, your thoughts, your life….a little.  Hopefully mostly for the best, but even when it’s not, there’s still always something gained.  Specifics aren’t needed here. 

I’ve been thankful for my lifers lately.  They’ve become my family.  There’s nothing that will ever pull us apart.  We’ve made it this long and we’ve known each other since childhood.  Through ups and downs.  Through bad stages and good.  Through lots and lots of laughter and just as many tears.  We tell each other like it is, argue at times but never do we ever stop loving each other.  Never.  That’s the kind of friendship everyone needs.  People you can count on.  Someone to put up with your shit and call you out on it without missing a beat.  People that will push you with your triggers just to show you that they’re nothing but things other people tried to cripple you with.  They help you, hold your hand, and tell you when you can’t do it yet, that it’s ok.  They won’t let you off with excuses that it’s just who you are now, because they knew you before and they know better.  Lifers, seasonal, and even ones who breeze in & out quickly all matter.   Friendships are life.  Connections to other people make us better people.  Simple as that.

With me losing my way, I had to take a real hard look at myself and some of my actions.  I have a habit of being really hard on myself but this time, I decided not to be.   I decided to be my own friend and to be kind to myself and to realize the truth.  Mistakes happen and don’t define me.  Sometimes they’re just bad days and sometimes they’re just moments you get lost in for a bit.  It has nothing to do with who you were the day before or who you’ll be tomorrow.  

Today I’ve been happy.  Ideas have been flowing and I feel inspired.  I’m planning my way out of this suffocating stand still.  Panic stay away…anxiety you too.  I believe in me.  I hope I continue to.  

❤️🦄🦋🐞🌈⭐️🌻🍀 ~ If Only Mommy