“I Wish, I Wish, I Wish”

Wishlist

I’ll never stop wishing ⭐️.

Love ❤️ ~ iom

I’m tired 😔 but I’ll keep moving forward.

I know you’re still guiding me ❤️.  

~me

🌷Lifers🍀

Connections have always interested me.  Why people click, want to hang out more, talk more, get closer to, and confide in more.  I know common interests leads as the top dog of reasons but the other, less obvious ones are what catch my interest.  Do we admire people and want to know them more?  Of course we do.  Do we like people who make us feel good about ourselves?  Absolutely.  Do we bond with people who need us?  Yes.  

People come and people go.  There are lifers and there are those who pass in and out like the seasons.  Everyone matters.  All connections change you, your thoughts, your life….a little.  Hopefully mostly for the best, but even when it’s not, there’s still always something gained.  Specifics aren’t needed here. 

I’ve been thankful for my lifers lately.  They’ve become my family.  There’s nothing that will ever pull us apart.  We’ve made it this long and we’ve known each other since childhood.  Through ups and downs.  Through bad stages and good.  Through lots and lots of laughter and just as many tears.  We tell each other like it is, argue at times but never do we ever stop loving each other.  Never.  That’s the kind of friendship everyone needs.  People you can count on.  Someone to put up with your shit and call you out on it without missing a beat.  People that will push you with your triggers just to show you that they’re nothing but things other people tried to cripple you with.  They help you, hold your hand, and tell you when you can’t do it yet, that it’s ok.  They won’t let you off with excuses that it’s just who you are now, because they knew you before and they know better.  Lifers, seasonal, and even ones who breeze in & out quickly all matter.   Friendships are life.  Connections to other people make us better people.  Simple as that.

With me losing my way, I had to take a real hard look at myself and some of my actions.  I have a habit of being really hard on myself but this time, I decided not to be.   I decided to be my own friend and to be kind to myself and to realize the truth.  Mistakes happen and don’t define me.  Sometimes they’re just bad days and sometimes they’re just moments you get lost in for a bit.  It has nothing to do with who you were the day before or who you’ll be tomorrow.  

Today I’ve been happy.  Ideas have been flowing and I feel inspired.  I’m planning my way out of this suffocating stand still.  Panic stay away…anxiety you too.  I believe in me.  I hope I continue to.  

❤️🦄🦋🐞🌈⭐️🌻🍀 ~ If Only Mommy

“You Become”

Matter

Take a step back and look at yourself from a different perspective.  

Then get over yourself.

I did.

Now I live.

So can you.

We all are beautiful.

We all are flawed.

Love anyway.

Be open.

Be wrong.

Find your own way.

Get lost and reset.

Life is beautiful.

Love freely without regret. 

Only you do you best.

Don’t be afraid.

Be bold.

Have no regrets when you get old.

You are beautiful.

You are wise.

Shine like you’re a star.

Spin to get dizzy.

You know who you are.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Toot Toot!

I made a decision to try to reconnect with some important people from my past and see how receptive they were to my attempts.  Round one went well.  I found an old boyfriend who was full of compliments and happy to hear from me.   The best compliment he gave me was, I’ve never met anyone else like you.  Just these few kind words have made me realize that I am not any of the horrible things my ex called me or feels about me now.  He has always been the one with the problem and I have always been the person my old boyfriend described.  My ex just never gave me any space to be me.  He was suffocating me.

This may heal me.  Fingers crossed.  Now to figure out who’s next and not be afraid to say, Hi.  

❤️iom 

Digging in Deep

Last night I went out with some good friends.  It’s always so great to get to be myself again. To let go of the things that hold me back. We talked about my struggles for a while, and watching how angered they all get when talking about my exe’s treatment of me and then their eyes fill with tears when they talk about how I’m going to make it fine, makes me feel loved.  They really care about me as I do them.  They always remind me how strong I am. They follow up with calling my ex a douchebag and an asshole, and so on. You know, they say exactly what needs to be said 😉.  They know me. We’re all like sisters. They also knew I couldnt spend the entire night talking about that shot so subjects have to change…thank goodness.

One of my friends brought up an interesting question, if you could be alone in a room with anyone you’ve ever dated who would it be and why? It cracked me up because she had obviously thought of this recently and wanted to share her picks. Her two last boyfriends before she met and married her husband. She included one of them just because she thought she should, a pity pick. It was the other guy she really wanted to be alone with one time, just to see what happened. just to hear what he had to say. This is all just pretend and fantasy. They live in different areas and both are happily married. Their relationship just ended bad and quickly and they never spoke again. There was never closure. I understand why she wanted this. We all want closure. Even if it’s with someone years ago. Even if lives moved on, families were made and life move on. Just because it’s easier to close a chapter once all the questions have been answered.

I couldn’t decide on a pick. As I just wrote that, I thought of who I’d want it to be. Last night, I had no one. I picked my last boyfriend before marriage but not because I didn’t have answers or I still want him. I mean he’a still quite handsome and still single but he’s a mess. BIG MESS!  He doesnt live here anymore anyway. Still super cute and fun so maybe he could be a something (wink wink). Haha.

With this question I realized I needed to dig in deep and examine my patterns. I need to write down what I want from a man. How I need the next person to be. If I dont think about it then how will I ever know. I did this before meeting my husband. He hit all of them. It’s obviously not fool proof but I’m wiser now.

I’m going to dig in deep and try to get to the heart of why my relationships have started and why they all ended. There are only a few long ones. My husband of course the longest and the only one the ended badly. All of these memories have music attached to them and I’m going to try to find one of the ones that popped up when I thought of the last guy. I obviously need a soundtrack attached to my memories! haha!

That Pull

Today I was reminded of something that happened to me in 9th grade. My parents added a second phone line in our house the year before (this was before I had a cell phone) because my mother couldn’t share her phone time with a teenage girl. Since I had my own phone line in my room, I spent a lot of time talking. Always with my besties but also tons of time talking to cute boys…as any 9th grade girl would do. There was one particular boy that I had a mega crush on. We talked on the phone a lot, late into the night and into the early morning. There was bunches of giggles and flirting. I didn’t know if he like mor not and I didn’t tell him that I liked him. He started talking about a girl that he really, really liked. How she was beautiful, so nice, and really funny. He would say he didn’t know if he had the nerve to tell her and that he was afraid he would lose her, as a friend, if she didn’t like him back. This went on for a few days in a row. He wouldn’t tell me who but I thought he was talking about me. I hoped he was. I asked him again to tell me who it was and he told me to guess. I tried to avoid this but he wouldn’t tell me and I wanted to know. I thought it was too scary to guess myself, especially first, so I said one of my best friends names. To my surprise he said it was her and my little 9th grade heart broke. Then I put it back together and fixed them up. That was the kind of friend I chose to be even if it hurt. After some time passed, I let it go. He still seemed to be flirting with me all of the time but I decided that my perception was all wrong. I thought I didn’t understand how to tell if someone was really interested in me. I think I’ve questioned myself ever since. I even found out years later that it had been me that he liked but he had been too afraid to tell me and when I asked if it was my friend he just said yes because he didn’t think he could ever tell me. He didn’t think I’d try to get them together but he just kept going along with it. Of course they only dated briefly so it wasn’t long lasting. He still remained my friend.

 

Now as I try to navigate through life single again I feel things coming from men that I instinctively feel I understand but then maybe I don’t. Maybe it’s nothing. I feel a pull towards me, always approaching, smiling, full contact…attention. It seems sincere. Real. Honest. There’s tension, like when two people are physically attracted to one another. There’s a pull like there’s an interest but maybe I’m misreading. I feel like as people we know when there’s electricity between you and another. We’re all sexual beings. We’re made to do it, want it, need it, but is this what the pull is? Is there more? I don’t know anymore. Maybe I never did.

Navigating around being single again in this life is nerve racking and exciting all wrapped up together. There is such hope that I will find all that I want and need and be all that someone else wants and needs. Isn’t that what it is all about. Could it be that simple? Or do I just want to float out there and connect with many people, never settling, never committing….just going through the motions. Never alone but never attached. I’ve never wanted that before, but marriage is really hard. You can try as hard as you’d like by yourself but if your husband isn’t giving the same, then it doesn’t matter how hard you try. Without the kids as a reason to fight, I’m afraid I wouldn’t. I don’t have any space left for that. I wouldn’t fight for something that wasn’t working. Not for a second. Not ever again. Life’s too short.
As that random memory from 9th grade popped up today I think I was reminded of how much I don’t know. Maybe what I feel and see isn’t anything or maybe it is. I’ll only know if something happens and I should never assume it is something I think or hope it is. I certainly should allow myself to believe anything is specifically about me unless I am told that it is. I can’t get my emotions wrapped up feeling/thinking one thing and then find out my mind was playing tricks on me. Or better yet it wasn’t but it just isn’t going to be known now. Maybe later when it doesn’t matter anymore. Maybe never. There are so many possibilities.
If you smile at me, compliment me or even flirt with me, I’m going to take it at face value…nothing more unless there comes a day when some person tells me differently. Until then…just riding out the moments as they are. Present. Eyes open.
💕iom

Wait…I forgot to make Tacos!

Honestly I suck at following through on some of my ideas and I’m feeling the urge to ignore this one, but I will not.  I will push through.  It is appearing to be rather  boring.  I’m ready for spring and summer.  My social life is more exciting then.  Haha. However I will point out, it is just Tuesday and I forgot to make tacos 🌮 for Taco Tuesday!!!  Whhhhaaaatttt.  I know…shocking 😳!  So heeeerrrrreee we go.

• I remembered to buy pet food today. This doesn’t sound like a positive but when you’ve forgotten it for two days it becomes a big one!  
• I exercised.
• I found some leads and made some plans about future employment.  
• I reconnected with a dear friend.  Refreshing.
• I found out my nephew is getting baptized soon.  Yay Owee!
• My wild child came home with a note from his teacher.  He handed it to me and said, Mommy, it’s a bad, bad note. He handed to me grinning. His teacher said he had been exceptional the last 2 days!  Yay!  
• My daughter brought home some work in some of the advanced studies she’s doing, and it was perfect.  She’s such a hard worker. 
• It was a beautiful day and I spent a lot of time outside.  I love nice weather and sunshine filled days.  It makes me a happy, happy girl.
• Also I’d like to add, it was another good hair day.  Haha.  This cracks me up even if it’s true.  It’s funny to mention

And that’s Tuesday for ya!  That’s how you do a Tuesday.  I’ll also add some Valentine’s Day funnies.  I’m not sad that I’m alone, it’s just another day.  I did meet my ex on Valentine’s Day and it happens to be his birthday but it still doesn’t make me feel a negative emotion.  It’s not a bad memory.  

Revelation

Revelation

WE make ourselves a place apart
Behind light words that tease and flout,
But oh, the agitated heart
Till someone find us really out.

‘Tis pity if the case require
(Or so we say) that in the end
We speak the literal to inspire

The understanding of a friend.

But so with all, from babes that play
At hide-and-seek to God afar,
So all who hide too well away
Must speak and tell us where they are.

Robert Frost