Finding My Way

It’s been a life long struggle, trying to find my way. I have so much passion in so many areas. I have so much heart. I have talent in areas I often outwardly deny, but I do. The problem isn’t doing but how to do and how to find the confidence in myself to push forward without feeling selfish.

I’m going through something lately that I can’t quite explain because I don’t understand it myself. The day to day on this changes as I fight the beast of depression. Some days it wins and I feel time just slipping away. That feeling for sure is new. I miss the naiveté of the movement of time I had years before. I don’t know how or when it began to speed up but it was somewhere in between my multiple life changes; joys and tragedies. I see the footprints of it on my face where once a could see beauty, I now see age dominate. It’s quite humbling.

Seeing lines forming on my face I feel panic viewing the movement of the clock arms, how fast the sun rises and sets, and how it isn’t concerned with me. It just happens. My life, my desires, my loves and passions all should just happen too but they don’t. Is it because I feel tied….restrained due to the nasty words and emotions others have unfairly thrown at me? Is it because I accepted them/believe them?

Mental health isn’t a privilege that only the wealthiest can afford. Mental health is an equalization of sound and touch. It’s a temperature to maintain in the harshest conditions. It’s fragility and strength intertwine making it a type of enigma. One that is incredible difficult to hold but one we all fight for…that is if we are aware the scales inside us are unbalanced. Then there are times when the darkness inside grows and blocks the light. The light that is needed to fight.

Finding my way is a daily battle controlling darkness and grasping to my light. Knowing in the brightest part of me I have so much to give. I’ve always felt it and I think every one of us has that same pull to our reason for being. Our purpose whether big or small.

If only mental health was respected as much as physical diseases. If it was protected. If only our secrets didn’t require being hidden. Our pain judged and forced to be boxed away to survive. Maybe the world around us wouldn’t be crumbling all the time. Maybe these enormous hearts, like mine, so full of pain could heal and then put that big love out in the world through life long passions weighted under so much sadness.

We could all be finding our way to a better day. We could be showing love and appreciating each other. You judges of everyone around you, your judgements are transparent. I can still see your pain. Let’s stop hiding together and start healing so we can all find our ways.

❤️IOM

“You Become”

Matter

Take a step back and look at yourself from a different perspective.  

Then get over yourself.

I did.

Now I live.

So can you.

We all are beautiful.

We all are flawed.

Love anyway.

Be open.

Be wrong.

Find your own way.

Get lost and reset.

Life is beautiful.

Love freely without regret. 

Only you do you best.

Don’t be afraid.

Be bold.

Have no regrets when you get old.

You are beautiful.

You are wise.

Shine like you’re a star.

Spin to get dizzy.

You know who you are.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

That Pull

Today I was reminded of something that happened to me in 9th grade. My parents added a second phone line in our house the year before (this was before I had a cell phone) because my mother couldn’t share her phone time with a teenage girl. Since I had my own phone line in my room, I spent a lot of time talking. Always with my besties but also tons of time talking to cute boys…as any 9th grade girl would do. There was one particular boy that I had a mega crush on. We talked on the phone a lot, late into the night and into the early morning. There was bunches of giggles and flirting. I didn’t know if he like mor not and I didn’t tell him that I liked him. He started talking about a girl that he really, really liked. How she was beautiful, so nice, and really funny. He would say he didn’t know if he had the nerve to tell her and that he was afraid he would lose her, as a friend, if she didn’t like him back. This went on for a few days in a row. He wouldn’t tell me who but I thought he was talking about me. I hoped he was. I asked him again to tell me who it was and he told me to guess. I tried to avoid this but he wouldn’t tell me and I wanted to know. I thought it was too scary to guess myself, especially first, so I said one of my best friends names. To my surprise he said it was her and my little 9th grade heart broke. Then I put it back together and fixed them up. That was the kind of friend I chose to be even if it hurt. After some time passed, I let it go. He still seemed to be flirting with me all of the time but I decided that my perception was all wrong. I thought I didn’t understand how to tell if someone was really interested in me. I think I’ve questioned myself ever since. I even found out years later that it had been me that he liked but he had been too afraid to tell me and when I asked if it was my friend he just said yes because he didn’t think he could ever tell me. He didn’t think I’d try to get them together but he just kept going along with it. Of course they only dated briefly so it wasn’t long lasting. He still remained my friend.

 

Now as I try to navigate through life single again I feel things coming from men that I instinctively feel I understand but then maybe I don’t. Maybe it’s nothing. I feel a pull towards me, always approaching, smiling, full contact…attention. It seems sincere. Real. Honest. There’s tension, like when two people are physically attracted to one another. There’s a pull like there’s an interest but maybe I’m misreading. I feel like as people we know when there’s electricity between you and another. We’re all sexual beings. We’re made to do it, want it, need it, but is this what the pull is? Is there more? I don’t know anymore. Maybe I never did.

Navigating around being single again in this life is nerve racking and exciting all wrapped up together. There is such hope that I will find all that I want and need and be all that someone else wants and needs. Isn’t that what it is all about. Could it be that simple? Or do I just want to float out there and connect with many people, never settling, never committing….just going through the motions. Never alone but never attached. I’ve never wanted that before, but marriage is really hard. You can try as hard as you’d like by yourself but if your husband isn’t giving the same, then it doesn’t matter how hard you try. Without the kids as a reason to fight, I’m afraid I wouldn’t. I don’t have any space left for that. I wouldn’t fight for something that wasn’t working. Not for a second. Not ever again. Life’s too short.
As that random memory from 9th grade popped up today I think I was reminded of how much I don’t know. Maybe what I feel and see isn’t anything or maybe it is. I’ll only know if something happens and I should never assume it is something I think or hope it is. I certainly should allow myself to believe anything is specifically about me unless I am told that it is. I can’t get my emotions wrapped up feeling/thinking one thing and then find out my mind was playing tricks on me. Or better yet it wasn’t but it just isn’t going to be known now. Maybe later when it doesn’t matter anymore. Maybe never. There are so many possibilities.
If you smile at me, compliment me or even flirt with me, I’m going to take it at face value…nothing more unless there comes a day when some person tells me differently. Until then…just riding out the moments as they are. Present. Eyes open.
💕iom

10 Positive Thoughts From Bob Marley

 

LOVE!

 

‘When Nothing Seems to Go Your Way’

https://youtu.be/6AxgOhgf_Ac
New ideas 

1. Make bad choices 😏
2. Make bad choices😏
3. Make bad decisions😏
4. Carry on 😮😃💙

Dreams

In my strength there’s weakness but in my darkness, I always find the light.  When I fear what’s up ahead I remind myself that I can do this, even when it sounds like I don’t believe…I still do…enough.  When I crave something that may not exist for me I still dream that it could. Without it my dreams are hollow and scurry around the center of the gapping hole.  I line up too, around the hollow place because if I close my eyes I may dream of finding someone just like you and I’d want more time. So I’ll squeeze my eyes shut just hoping that I’d get more time and that empty hole will be filled with someone perfect like you, dreamy dream guy. 

Ahhh dreams 💕

A Storm is Brewing

I knew a storm was brewing within me.  I knew.  The pep talk I wrote to myself yesterday was my last attempt to push it away.  It didn’t work.  I mean, I still believe and mean every word I said and this unsettled feeling I feel inside isn’t because I don’t believe I can’t live my life that way.  This churning inside me is because I’m so disappointed and so upset about how my life has turned out.  I mean what did I do to deserve this?  Where in my life did I make the ultimate mistake, unforgivable sin that I deserved everything that has come to me?

My proudest moments in my life revolved around my family.  When my daughter was born, I quit my job to stay at home and care for her just like my mother did.  I had such a special bond with my mom and I felt that bond began from her being with me, at home, teaching me, loving me, taking care of me….being there at home.  I wanted to be the same type of mother to my children.  I was.  I enjoyed doing it, even though it can be quite isolating when they’re young, especially when you have a hard baby and my daughter was.  She cried for 3 months.  Screamed and cried constantly.  It was hard but I loved her more than anyone I’d ever loved and I did it. I was proud of myself.  When my second came faster than planned, I handled it.  I had 2 under 2 and a dying mother.  I just did it.  I was a good mother and a good daughter even when I had no time for me.  I didn’t even think about it.  I made time for my husband in there too, loving him, taking care of him.  I was proud of my family and loved my family.  Then what seemed like a moment in time it was gone and I didn’t have a say in it.  Gone.  Now what gave me such pride, staying home to raise my children has crippled me.  Getting a job is intimidating as hell but I can’t keep living on child and spousal support and savings like this.  I need to put more in than I’m taking out.  On a good day I make a good impression.  I know people, I have connections but it’s been a long time and my confidence has plumated.  I also don’t want to work my ass off and have zero time with my children.  Being a single mom is probably something employers try to avoid.  I know they don’t have to know but it sucks that that is how it has to go.  Act like my kids don’t exist until I get hired.  Feels wrong but I know it’s necessary.  

The kids and I still have each other.  We are the 3 musketeers but I’m not the mother I wanted to be.  I’m not the mother I could have been, with a tiny bit of support.  No, I’m snappy and exhausted.  I’m not consistent and I worry often about some creep trying to take advantage of me, because I’m a single mom and exhausted, to get to my children. I’ve obviously watched too many 20/20s or Datelines.  I don’t want my children to be a statistic.  I would never forgive myself if I missed something.  I never wanted to be a single mom.

I can’t sleep at night.  Nights are so lonely.  I just stare at the ceiling and think, I am my children’s everything and what if I’m not enough.  I have to protect them, provide for them, care for them, teach them, encourage them, and love them all by myself.  If someone breaks in my house, I’m the person who’ll have to protect them.  My dad was that person for me.  I shouldn’t think these things but I can’t control it.  It’s all so overwhelming.  People give me advice but not often does anyone offer to help me.  I don’t ask for help either.  1 kid people are usually eager to help with but 2, especially 2 that are wild, like mine….no one is offering.  Not often.  Everyone has their own lives.  I get it.  I understand.  This is my life.  I should handle it.  It’s just so lonely.  So scary.  I mean how am I suppose to be the mom I could be like this?  I can’t be.  That’s the reality.  I can only be what I can be and alone, I can’t be great.  I can be good but great needs a partner.  Who’s got time to find one.  Not me.  My children come first.  They always will.  

Maybe I’m just exhausted.  I finally fell asleep last night around 3:30 and my daughter started throwing up at 4:00.  I didn’t go back to sleep.  I’m exhausted but I’m not going to be able to sleep.  The thoughts keep me full of fear that I can’t shake and I just wait for the sun to rise.  I don’t know if it will ever change.  I always have hope but it seems something is always trying to knock me down.  My dumbass keeps smiling like a fool, full of hope just to get smacked down again.  Groundhog Day.  I hate feeling this way.  I feel defeated.  Like a failure.  I’m almost embarrassed to post but, screw it.  I can’t believe I allowed someone to make me feel so unsure of my value.  My old self wouldn’t recognize me now.  

Empty

https://youtu.be/3VVaIOtq0uw
💙

Who was she?

As I look back and wonder, how did I get here, I realize here may be better than there would have ever been.  I look back at the end of my marriage and all the things that happened, all the ways I was betrayed, mistreated, and abused and I don’t know that person anymore.  I was her and she was me but she is a stranger to me.  She is a person I wish I could go back and help, she is a person who looks so brave and strong…and sometimes beautiful.  She is a mother of two very small children that she loves more than she could ever show.  When I look back and see her aching heart, I feel her pain.  I feel how empty she is inside even with that big silly smile stretched across her face.  Even though she’s forgotten to eat for weeks, I see her run fast to chase her 2 year old little boy while being chased by her 3 year old little girl.  I see the joy she still feels having them even though the emptiness tugs at her backwards.  I see her breathe in the air around her.  It belongs to her and no one can take it so she sips in her breaths intentionally to enjoy all the little things she can when this big bad world is trying to break her and take away her soul.  She stands tall even after being beaten down.  She refuses to be the person she’s becoming.  She refuses to admit or believe it so she keeps moving.  I see her speak to others and smile.  I see her flow through spaces with a child on each hip.  I see the pain she’s trying to hide.  I wish I could help her because today, she’s helping me.  Today I’m still here and standing because of her.  Today I’m thankful that she could push through so I can still be sipping in each breath and enjoying the little things.  I’m thankful that she was strong enough to keep those babies happy and healthy because we couldn’t live without them.  No other year has broken her down and this year won’t either.  People will come in and out and try.  Some people will lie to her and use her.  Some people may try to love her but she may push them away…trusting this behavior doesn’t feel true, she runs.  She will still be ok.  She will still move forward and next year I won’t recognize her either because I will grow again into a better me and this years me will be long gone.   
😘