Finding My Way

It’s been a life long struggle, trying to find my way. I have so much passion in so many areas. I have so much heart. I have talent in areas I often outwardly deny, but I do. The problem isn’t doing but how to do and how to find the confidence in myself to push forward without feeling selfish.

I’m going through something lately that I can’t quite explain because I don’t understand it myself. The day to day on this changes as I fight the beast of depression. Some days it wins and I feel time just slipping away. That feeling for sure is new. I miss the naiveté of the movement of time I had years before. I don’t know how or when it began to speed up but it was somewhere in between my multiple life changes; joys and tragedies. I see the footprints of it on my face where once a could see beauty, I now see age dominate. It’s quite humbling.

Seeing lines forming on my face I feel panic viewing the movement of the clock arms, how fast the sun rises and sets, and how it isn’t concerned with me. It just happens. My life, my desires, my loves and passions all should just happen too but they don’t. Is it because I feel tied….restrained due to the nasty words and emotions others have unfairly thrown at me? Is it because I accepted them/believe them?

Mental health isn’t a privilege that only the wealthiest can afford. Mental health is an equalization of sound and touch. It’s a temperature to maintain in the harshest conditions. It’s fragility and strength intertwine making it a type of enigma. One that is incredible difficult to hold but one we all fight for…that is if we are aware the scales inside us are unbalanced. Then there are times when the darkness inside grows and blocks the light. The light that is needed to fight.

Finding my way is a daily battle controlling darkness and grasping to my light. Knowing in the brightest part of me I have so much to give. I’ve always felt it and I think every one of us has that same pull to our reason for being. Our purpose whether big or small.

If only mental health was respected as much as physical diseases. If it was protected. If only our secrets didn’t require being hidden. Our pain judged and forced to be boxed away to survive. Maybe the world around us wouldn’t be crumbling all the time. Maybe these enormous hearts, like mine, so full of pain could heal and then put that big love out in the world through life long passions weighted under so much sadness.

We could all be finding our way to a better day. We could be showing love and appreciating each other. You judges of everyone around you, your judgements are transparent. I can still see your pain. Let’s stop hiding together and start healing so we can all find our ways.

❤️IOM

“I Wish, I Wish, I Wish”

Wishlist

I’ll never stop wishing ⭐️.

Love ❤️ ~ iom

Moments

Mistakes happen.
Time passes.
Tomorrow is never promised.
Love with all that you’ve got.
Never be afraid to say what you feel.
Do not let moments pass.
Live with abandon.
Hug your children.
Keep your family close.
Love like you mean it.
Live like you want it.
Smile.
Laugh.
Enjoy all the seconds.
Moments are what life is made of.
Never make anyone guess how you feel about them.
Don’t lose chances.
❤️

Life Doodles & Snapshots

Rushing In

I remember the crisp smell of morning when I was a little girl.  The grass, a magically vibrant green, covered in morning dew, glistened as the sun rays reached across it.  The air, soft in the first moments of the day.  A new beginning.  It was calmer when the sun was rising to the top of the sky.  The shadows spread outward, away from you. Calling you to follow.  

When you live near water there’s often fog on warm mornings.  It’s a time when you get to stand within the clouds.  Feel them pass through you.  Be.

Bird songs fill the air.  Some sharp.  Some melodic.  My old friend, Bob White.  All happily making morning music.  Great beginning to the day.

I alone experience these sensations for I am only one.  I do not share my person with another.  I cannot feel for anyone but me.  My body.  My mind.  As a child I sensed these things.  As an adult I absorb them.  We are all alone.  We are all free.  

🍻iom

That Pull

Today I was reminded of something that happened to me in 9th grade. My parents added a second phone line in our house the year before (this was before I had a cell phone) because my mother couldn’t share her phone time with a teenage girl. Since I had my own phone line in my room, I spent a lot of time talking. Always with my besties but also tons of time talking to cute boys…as any 9th grade girl would do. There was one particular boy that I had a mega crush on. We talked on the phone a lot, late into the night and into the early morning. There was bunches of giggles and flirting. I didn’t know if he like mor not and I didn’t tell him that I liked him. He started talking about a girl that he really, really liked. How she was beautiful, so nice, and really funny. He would say he didn’t know if he had the nerve to tell her and that he was afraid he would lose her, as a friend, if she didn’t like him back. This went on for a few days in a row. He wouldn’t tell me who but I thought he was talking about me. I hoped he was. I asked him again to tell me who it was and he told me to guess. I tried to avoid this but he wouldn’t tell me and I wanted to know. I thought it was too scary to guess myself, especially first, so I said one of my best friends names. To my surprise he said it was her and my little 9th grade heart broke. Then I put it back together and fixed them up. That was the kind of friend I chose to be even if it hurt. After some time passed, I let it go. He still seemed to be flirting with me all of the time but I decided that my perception was all wrong. I thought I didn’t understand how to tell if someone was really interested in me. I think I’ve questioned myself ever since. I even found out years later that it had been me that he liked but he had been too afraid to tell me and when I asked if it was my friend he just said yes because he didn’t think he could ever tell me. He didn’t think I’d try to get them together but he just kept going along with it. Of course they only dated briefly so it wasn’t long lasting. He still remained my friend.

 

Now as I try to navigate through life single again I feel things coming from men that I instinctively feel I understand but then maybe I don’t. Maybe it’s nothing. I feel a pull towards me, always approaching, smiling, full contact…attention. It seems sincere. Real. Honest. There’s tension, like when two people are physically attracted to one another. There’s a pull like there’s an interest but maybe I’m misreading. I feel like as people we know when there’s electricity between you and another. We’re all sexual beings. We’re made to do it, want it, need it, but is this what the pull is? Is there more? I don’t know anymore. Maybe I never did.

Navigating around being single again in this life is nerve racking and exciting all wrapped up together. There is such hope that I will find all that I want and need and be all that someone else wants and needs. Isn’t that what it is all about. Could it be that simple? Or do I just want to float out there and connect with many people, never settling, never committing….just going through the motions. Never alone but never attached. I’ve never wanted that before, but marriage is really hard. You can try as hard as you’d like by yourself but if your husband isn’t giving the same, then it doesn’t matter how hard you try. Without the kids as a reason to fight, I’m afraid I wouldn’t. I don’t have any space left for that. I wouldn’t fight for something that wasn’t working. Not for a second. Not ever again. Life’s too short.
As that random memory from 9th grade popped up today I think I was reminded of how much I don’t know. Maybe what I feel and see isn’t anything or maybe it is. I’ll only know if something happens and I should never assume it is something I think or hope it is. I certainly should allow myself to believe anything is specifically about me unless I am told that it is. I can’t get my emotions wrapped up feeling/thinking one thing and then find out my mind was playing tricks on me. Or better yet it wasn’t but it just isn’t going to be known now. Maybe later when it doesn’t matter anymore. Maybe never. There are so many possibilities.
If you smile at me, compliment me or even flirt with me, I’m going to take it at face value…nothing more unless there comes a day when some person tells me differently. Until then…just riding out the moments as they are. Present. Eyes open.
💕iom

A Look at the Past

I started another site years ago before switching to this one.  I’m not sure why I did that.  I’m sure I wasn’t thinking clearly about anything and something felt wrong so I just abandoned my previous site, although I barely wrote anything there.  Occasionally I’ll get a ping that someone has started following the site or commented on one of my old post but mostly I ignore it and act like it doesn’t exist without actually deleting it.  This morning I wanted to look at it and I was shocked that I started it 4 years ago.  Over 4 years of living in this bullshit with a man who use to be my husband and a man I don’t even recognize anymore.  It’s all so surreal.

I guess I’ve gotten far but I am still not where I want to be.  I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.  I’ve been through a massive amount of abuse.  I’ve raised two children during this process without breaking and keeping their lives as normal as possible.  I’ve buried both parents and barely had time to mourn either one of them.  I’ve dealt with two affairs, one, the first one, seemed pretty typical of affairs….husband sleeps with single women who treats him like he’s the best thing she’s ever met,  treats him like he is God’s gift to women.  He thinks he falling in love with her and so the kids and I don’t exist.  We stand in the way of his happiness.  He moves out but in under a year he moves back in after leaving the other woman. He in the process rents an apartment on the sly where he has another affair secretly with a stripper.  I’m pretty sure he paid for her to live there.  Like he was keeping her or owning her but still coming home from work everyday (for probably 3 months before the disappearing started again) and living like a family man.  He just wasn’t going to work, he was going to his secret apartment.  So basically I’ve been through hell and this is just touching on some of the major points.  Returning to the original point, reading this post from 4 years ago I felt so awful for the me who wrote it.  She didn’t know what was to come.  She didn’t know how much worse it would get.  She seemed so broken already.  So timid almost.  So unsure of herself.  So shrunken.

This is my post from 4 years ago.

Marriage was supposed to be my happily ever after.  In ways it was and in many ways it wasn’t but the best thing that ever happen to me came from this marriage, my children.  Did I not do enough to make my marriage work.  Maybe.  I could have tried harder.  Everyone could try harder.  Did I deserve what was done to me, no.  Hell no!  No one deserves to be treated badly.  The list of how I failed through his eyes.

1. Sex everyday.
2. Do what he asked me to do regarding our children.
3. Make sure the house was clean when he got home.  No scattered toys.
4. Make sure no toys are in his garage spot when he gets home from work.
5. Spend a minimal amount of money.
6. Don’t leave him to long with the kids alone.
7. Let him do what he wants without complaining.
8. Don’t be offended when he criticizes everything I cook.
9. Teach the kids to do as he says not as he does.
10. Take blame for any bad behavior of our kids.
11. Never ask to look at our finances.

My list was different.

1. To love me unconditionally.
2. To treat me kindly.
3. The be my friend and lover.
4. To spend time with us as a family.
5. Be treated as an equal.
6. Think of me.
7. Support me when I’m feeling weak.
8. Love our children.
9. Work daily on our marriage.
10. Be transparent.
11. Parent with me as a team.
12. Surprise me sometimes.
13. Be loyal and trustworthy.

We couldn’t work it out.  I tried.  I tried alone.  Marriage is complicated and anyone not working at it….quitters.

***************************************************************

What a douche bag he was and is.  How lucky he was to have any time with me.  Jerkoff.  He was LUCKY.  He still is because I’m sure I could RUIN his life, but I don’t.  What good will that do.  He is extremely lucky I tolerate his existence at all but for our children, I can do so much.  I seriously deserve an Oscar.  This acting I do is superb…top notch.  Haha!

One thing that does make me sad is knowing I will never ever get to see our babies run to greet their daddy when he arrives home from work.  It was a special memory.  One they probably won’t even remember.  It just belongs to me.

Life is unpredictable but it is also great.  No one ever promised me it would be easy.  I’m not sure it’s meant to be.  I just need to decide how I want to rest of it to go and try my hardest to make it happen.

Love,

IOM

 

 

 

10 Positive Thoughts From Bob Marley

 

LOVE!

 

Empty

https://youtu.be/3VVaIOtq0uw
💙

Who was she?

As I look back and wonder, how did I get here, I realize here may be better than there would have ever been.  I look back at the end of my marriage and all the things that happened, all the ways I was betrayed, mistreated, and abused and I don’t know that person anymore.  I was her and she was me but she is a stranger to me.  She is a person I wish I could go back and help, she is a person who looks so brave and strong…and sometimes beautiful.  She is a mother of two very small children that she loves more than she could ever show.  When I look back and see her aching heart, I feel her pain.  I feel how empty she is inside even with that big silly smile stretched across her face.  Even though she’s forgotten to eat for weeks, I see her run fast to chase her 2 year old little boy while being chased by her 3 year old little girl.  I see the joy she still feels having them even though the emptiness tugs at her backwards.  I see her breathe in the air around her.  It belongs to her and no one can take it so she sips in her breaths intentionally to enjoy all the little things she can when this big bad world is trying to break her and take away her soul.  She stands tall even after being beaten down.  She refuses to be the person she’s becoming.  She refuses to admit or believe it so she keeps moving.  I see her speak to others and smile.  I see her flow through spaces with a child on each hip.  I see the pain she’s trying to hide.  I wish I could help her because today, she’s helping me.  Today I’m still here and standing because of her.  Today I’m thankful that she could push through so I can still be sipping in each breath and enjoying the little things.  I’m thankful that she was strong enough to keep those babies happy and healthy because we couldn’t live without them.  No other year has broken her down and this year won’t either.  People will come in and out and try.  Some people will lie to her and use her.  Some people may try to love her but she may push them away…trusting this behavior doesn’t feel true, she runs.  She will still be ok.  She will still move forward and next year I won’t recognize her either because I will grow again into a better me and this years me will be long gone.   
😘