Teach What You’ve Learned

Another year has past by, not much different than the one before. Little steps forward, never leaps. Slow and steady. It my only way. Too cautious some may say. I’m ok with that. I’ve lived through much chaos. I’m looking for peace. Cautiously protecting that possibility.

This year….I have a feeling about this one. I have a purpose. I have many purposes. I’ve always said I’d help others like me. I think it has always been a part of my plan. I’ll never look away when something is uncomfortable. I’ll walk toward you hoping to find the right words, trusting my heart and instincts guide me. You are never alone. I’ve got you.

Don’t be Careless

Some people give a shit and some people just don’t.  Don’t be careless.  Pay attention to those who don’t acknowledge your pain.  They will only hurt you worse.  

People make mistakes but the ones who admit them, and ask for forgiveness are better than the ones who appear to be perfect but are actually cold and distant.  

Be human.

Be real.

Have a heart.

🦄If Only Mommy

Healthy Reminder

Bad boys (aka men) are not hot and are not dating material!  Like the good guy.  Be attracted to the nice guy.  Stop the madness!!!

🙄

Lessons to Learn

Sunset on 15

Life is my heart beating.  Life is my chest rising up and down…air filling and releasing.  Life is blood pulsating through my veins. Keeping me warm.  Life is my thoughts.  Life happens without my help and life happens with it but one thing I know, there aren’t always answers.  It’s not always automatic.  There aren’t always reasons why.

Everything that has ever happened to me, painful things, I’ve had to learn from every angle.  When they resurface, after I’m far into healing, it always comes through someone else.  Someone I love but just in reverse.  I have to learn to understand the other side.  I don’t understand how this keeps happening over and over again but I can’t help but wonder…what lesson am I suppose to learn?  What did I miss the first time?

Am I suppose to learn that I can have compassion for myself and for someone else doing to someone else what was done to me?  It’s hard.  It hurts and it opens old wounds that I’ve worked hard healing.  I have a hard time just turning my back on anyone.  I don’t like when it’s done to me, but sometimes I want to.  Sometimes I want to run, but I can’t.  I can’t desert someone I love when they’re clearly hurting.  When it’s obvious they’ve lost their way.  It’s evident that they need support so I must push through.  I must start again and try not to let it affect me.  At least not outwardly.  Now it needs to be private pain because this isn’t about me.  

I miss my boring married life where there were routines and patterns.  I miss knowing how my days would turn out and how the nights would end.  I miss being held and comforted at night.  I miss being loved.  I miss being touched and kissed and treasured.  I miss loving too.  I miss giving my love.  I love to love.  

How can I learn to be selfish.  Learn to take care of myself and focus on my new future. How do people put their needs above everyone else’s? I don’t mean my children.  Their needs will always be more important than mine but what about everyone else?  I’m not built like this but leaving my needs and my self behind, last in line, isn’t going to secure my future and I have to do it alone.  Relying on or needing anyone ever again isn’t going to happen.  I just hope to love again.  

I’m feeling lost and sad about the things I’ve been hearing about.  I’m just happy that my normal is pretty solid.  I’m just surrounded by so many things that are not.  So many people that are hiding many, many secrets.  People making huge mistakes and not caring about one another.  It worries me.  

We must find a better way. 
I must find a better way. Happiness, love, simple joys, good conversations, passionate  kisses…that’s not too much to wish for, is it?

🦄🍀🌻 iom

Mapping Out a New Way

I’m a little lost.  It isn’t anyone’s fault but my own.  I’m avoiding everything.  I’m avoiding because of fear but that’s just an excuse.  It’s true but it’s still an excuse.  An excuse I’ve become way too comfortable with and it’s doing nothing but stealing from me.  It’s making me miss out on a new life that I should be further in creating.  I’m not setting a good example for my children. I’m focusing on the wrong things. I’m drowning, my feet are stuck in cement, waves are crashing around me, and I’m staring at a mirage in the distance.  I need to blink, or shake my head and refocus.

We all have had tragedies. I’m positive that no living person hasn’t had something difficult happen to them.  Yes, I do understand that I had a lot of them piled on top of each other, in a short period of time,  but that doesn’t make me different or more damaged.  Does it make things harder?  Maybe, but it doesn’t mean it has to be.  I’ve never been weak but I’ve been acting weak for a few months now.  I’ve been neglecting myself which I’ve learned doesn’t help me at all.  I can’t be the best me without taking care of myself.  In fact I begin to be a person who reacts and not a person who does.  A person who reacts is insecure, nervous, defensive, and sometimes not nice.  I’ve never been as aware of this as I am today.  I’ve never been so disappointed in myself and I can’t sit here and marinate in this self pity.  It isn’t who I am.  I am not a person who makes her own life worse by doing nothing.  I set goals and I go for it.  I can’t hide and let life pass me by.

So today I’ll begin again and get back on track.  No one is going to do it but me.  I have to believe in myself.  I will be kind and loving and not insulted, overly sensitive, and insecure.  If I don’t believe in myself, who the hell will.  I know who I am.  I know what I’m capable of.  I make mistakes and live outside of my moral code when I lose sight of that.  I hurt myself and I hurt others when I do and I’m ashamed of not seeing it before now.  I have to do better.  I have to be better.

   🗺 iom

“Follow”

Quiet your soul.  Breathe.  
Quiet your thoughts. Breathe.
Quiet the noise. Breathe.