Lick your elbow

Would I rather be alone or put myself out there and risk being hurt, being rejected, being abused again?  The answer is, yes.  Right now, I’d rather be alone than risk being hurt.  Just knowing that made me realize how much of myself is lost.  I know my answer isn’t the right one but my truth is that.  I don’t know how to change it.  I don’t know if I want to.

The current version on me isn’t trusting however has put herself in a couple of situations where I had no value.  Is this because of fear?  I don’t know.  I guess it may be worth looking at.  I’m tired of all this inner focus.  I just want to live and do but I guess that’s not how I operate.  Does anyone ever free themselves of this noisy inner dialogue?

I vividly remember a time in my life where I would find so much peace, just lying in a hammock, listening to the sounds of nature.  I remember when a warm summer breeze would steal away my focus and I’d put my arms out and head back just to be.  I remember being free to make choices, right or wrong, and not be paralyzed by the outcome. It was ok to make mistakes as long as no one got hurt or especially if it was fun. I remember me, a fun loving, animated, silly, friendly, music loving, beer drinking, hugging, kissing, compassionate, lover of life and everyone in it.  I remember being that girl and taking really ridiculous scary chances and having those as being some of my favorite memories during the time when I was single/without kids.  I remember me.  I remembering being totally mesmerized by the stars on a clear night, especially when there was great music playing.  I remember laughing until I cried so many times and not being able to breathe.  I love that.  Who doesn’t.

Present day me…the stakes are higher.  I have to be a freakin’ grownup all the time…who likes that shit. Ha!  Not me.  I can’t be free with my heart for many, many, different reasons but a couple of big ones are, I am so terribly broken from what has been done to me that I am so scared that will happen again and what I need from someone isn’t humanly possible (also due to the fact that I am still so broken).  Who wants to say that?!?  I don’t even like this me.  She sucks.  She’s naïve.  She tries too hard.  She expects to much.  She gets her feelings hurt too easily.  She runs and hides a lot instead of being bold, and loud, and the life of the party.  She hears people introduce her to others with stories of who she use to be and it makes her feel sick, feel sad, and feel lost.

I want to be happy and if I write another angry, sad, pathetic post I’m going to throat punch myself (ok that’s a little funny because…come on….that’s not even possible).  Ok I’ve got to be in there.  I just need to learn to not give so much of myself to anyone who doesn’t make me a priority and still try.  I’ve just got to try.  I can’t push new people away in fear of being hurt, not forever.  Now, its just the way it is but… forever….I hope I learn to take more chances.  For now.  NO. Not gonna happen.

Love,

eye rolling, tender heart having, smart ass being, me….all millions of pieces of me

 

 

‘When Nothing Seems to Go Your Way’

https://youtu.be/6AxgOhgf_Ac
New ideas 

1. Make bad choices 😏
2. Make bad choices😏
3. Make bad decisions😏
4. Carry on 😮😃💙

A Storm is Brewing

I knew a storm was brewing within me.  I knew.  The pep talk I wrote to myself yesterday was my last attempt to push it away.  It didn’t work.  I mean, I still believe and mean every word I said and this unsettled feeling I feel inside isn’t because I don’t believe I can’t live my life that way.  This churning inside me is because I’m so disappointed and so upset about how my life has turned out.  I mean what did I do to deserve this?  Where in my life did I make the ultimate mistake, unforgivable sin that I deserved everything that has come to me?

My proudest moments in my life revolved around my family.  When my daughter was born, I quit my job to stay at home and care for her just like my mother did.  I had such a special bond with my mom and I felt that bond began from her being with me, at home, teaching me, loving me, taking care of me….being there at home.  I wanted to be the same type of mother to my children.  I was.  I enjoyed doing it, even though it can be quite isolating when they’re young, especially when you have a hard baby and my daughter was.  She cried for 3 months.  Screamed and cried constantly.  It was hard but I loved her more than anyone I’d ever loved and I did it. I was proud of myself.  When my second came faster than planned, I handled it.  I had 2 under 2 and a dying mother.  I just did it.  I was a good mother and a good daughter even when I had no time for me.  I didn’t even think about it.  I made time for my husband in there too, loving him, taking care of him.  I was proud of my family and loved my family.  Then what seemed like a moment in time it was gone and I didn’t have a say in it.  Gone.  Now what gave me such pride, staying home to raise my children has crippled me.  Getting a job is intimidating as hell but I can’t keep living on child and spousal support and savings like this.  I need to put more in than I’m taking out.  On a good day I make a good impression.  I know people, I have connections but it’s been a long time and my confidence has plumated.  I also don’t want to work my ass off and have zero time with my children.  Being a single mom is probably something employers try to avoid.  I know they don’t have to know but it sucks that that is how it has to go.  Act like my kids don’t exist until I get hired.  Feels wrong but I know it’s necessary.  

The kids and I still have each other.  We are the 3 musketeers but I’m not the mother I wanted to be.  I’m not the mother I could have been, with a tiny bit of support.  No, I’m snappy and exhausted.  I’m not consistent and I worry often about some creep trying to take advantage of me, because I’m a single mom and exhausted, to get to my children. I’ve obviously watched too many 20/20s or Datelines.  I don’t want my children to be a statistic.  I would never forgive myself if I missed something.  I never wanted to be a single mom.

I can’t sleep at night.  Nights are so lonely.  I just stare at the ceiling and think, I am my children’s everything and what if I’m not enough.  I have to protect them, provide for them, care for them, teach them, encourage them, and love them all by myself.  If someone breaks in my house, I’m the person who’ll have to protect them.  My dad was that person for me.  I shouldn’t think these things but I can’t control it.  It’s all so overwhelming.  People give me advice but not often does anyone offer to help me.  I don’t ask for help either.  1 kid people are usually eager to help with but 2, especially 2 that are wild, like mine….no one is offering.  Not often.  Everyone has their own lives.  I get it.  I understand.  This is my life.  I should handle it.  It’s just so lonely.  So scary.  I mean how am I suppose to be the mom I could be like this?  I can’t be.  That’s the reality.  I can only be what I can be and alone, I can’t be great.  I can be good but great needs a partner.  Who’s got time to find one.  Not me.  My children come first.  They always will.  

Maybe I’m just exhausted.  I finally fell asleep last night around 3:30 and my daughter started throwing up at 4:00.  I didn’t go back to sleep.  I’m exhausted but I’m not going to be able to sleep.  The thoughts keep me full of fear that I can’t shake and I just wait for the sun to rise.  I don’t know if it will ever change.  I always have hope but it seems something is always trying to knock me down.  My dumbass keeps smiling like a fool, full of hope just to get smacked down again.  Groundhog Day.  I hate feeling this way.  I feel defeated.  Like a failure.  I’m almost embarrassed to post but, screw it.  I can’t believe I allowed someone to make me feel so unsure of my value.  My old self wouldn’t recognize me now.  

Who was she?

As I look back and wonder, how did I get here, I realize here may be better than there would have ever been.  I look back at the end of my marriage and all the things that happened, all the ways I was betrayed, mistreated, and abused and I don’t know that person anymore.  I was her and she was me but she is a stranger to me.  She is a person I wish I could go back and help, she is a person who looks so brave and strong…and sometimes beautiful.  She is a mother of two very small children that she loves more than she could ever show.  When I look back and see her aching heart, I feel her pain.  I feel how empty she is inside even with that big silly smile stretched across her face.  Even though she’s forgotten to eat for weeks, I see her run fast to chase her 2 year old little boy while being chased by her 3 year old little girl.  I see the joy she still feels having them even though the emptiness tugs at her backwards.  I see her breathe in the air around her.  It belongs to her and no one can take it so she sips in her breaths intentionally to enjoy all the little things she can when this big bad world is trying to break her and take away her soul.  She stands tall even after being beaten down.  She refuses to be the person she’s becoming.  She refuses to admit or believe it so she keeps moving.  I see her speak to others and smile.  I see her flow through spaces with a child on each hip.  I see the pain she’s trying to hide.  I wish I could help her because today, she’s helping me.  Today I’m still here and standing because of her.  Today I’m thankful that she could push through so I can still be sipping in each breath and enjoying the little things.  I’m thankful that she was strong enough to keep those babies happy and healthy because we couldn’t live without them.  No other year has broken her down and this year won’t either.  People will come in and out and try.  Some people will lie to her and use her.  Some people may try to love her but she may push them away…trusting this behavior doesn’t feel true, she runs.  She will still be ok.  She will still move forward and next year I won’t recognize her either because I will grow again into a better me and this years me will be long gone.   
😘 

Fear

I’m too afraid to make the steps needed to move forward.  I’m afraid I’ll fail.  I’m afraid I’ll lose.  I’m afraid I’ll get lost in it all.  I can’t wrap my head around how it’s all going to work and it paralyzes me.  I’m disappointed in myself at this stage and I’m hiding from my truth.  I’m acting like a needy child because I’m afraid to be the adult I need to be now.  Maybe because I don’t have anything to fall back on for the first time in my life.  Giving myself a break for my need to stall, because of everything I’ve been through, isn’t good enough anymore.  I can’t rest in that anymore.  It’s never going to change but it isn’t my present, it is my past and it can’t define my future.  I’ve just got to step forward.  I feel like I’m in quicksand.  I want to be everything I know I can be….but what if I’m wrong.  So afraid. 

Smile😃

I’ve had all these thoughts running around my head that I planned to write about but I decided to run to the store first.  That’s where my plans changed and I decided to talk about something lighter.  I want to talk about how little things make big differences in people’s lives and how we should all try a little harder to be kind.

I’ve been flipping between feeling heavy and light emotionally for the past month or so.  I never really know what each day will bring.  Today I’ve been feeling steady and level…busy.  I’m in the store trying to remember my mental list when I approach a nice older lady studying her written list, she looked at me and I smiled and go on my way.  This is my normal silent greeting to people.  So many people look hard and distant and I always try to take a second to pleasantly connect.  It’s important to me to make eye contact and smile, especially with older people and children, they’re always the ones without their faces zombied in on their phones. The world looks so cold when we forget to look up and be alive.  

I finished my shopping and headed for the register.  I watched a lady in front of me with her 2 children, a couple years younger than mine but with the same level of wildness.  She looked frazzled.  I felt her exhaustion. Then it was my turn and as I was checking out that older lady that I smiled at earlier, came up to me and said, “I just wanted you to know, you have a beautiful smile.”  I mean, how nice was that?!? She made my day and sent me off smiling out the door and feeling pretty good.  It’s the little things that mean big things, change moods, and makes you feel….I don’t know…alive. 

This is not the first instance that someone, at this same store, recently has said something very nice to me, for absolutely no reason.  The other time this lady I’ve bonded with at the bus stop over our marital problems was walking out as I was walking in and she said, “Everytime I see you and you smile you bring sunshine into my life.”  Seriously, how nice!  It made me feel like I was doing something right in this world, just being kind, just being me.   Affecting people positively feels great!  It makes me feel like skipping.

So instead of blah, blah, blahing about the other topic that was running through my thoughts I decided to go with this one. Everyday we all should try to connect with one another.  We should try to brighten people’s day.  We should ask people about their days and really listen when they tell us.  We should smile at each other and tell each other to “Have a nice day”.  Maybe people don’t do this as much these days.  I’ve never stopped but it seems now that I get complimented on it that maybe I’m one in a few. Maybe people don’t really take the time to look outside their bubble and venture into the world and connect.  I hope not.  

Go out in the world today and smile and be pleasant and kind.  Help an elderly person struggling, help a mother who has her hands full or just smile and connect with someone and let them know they’re important in this world.  Wouldn’t you want that for you?  I do.  

‘Climb to Safety’

https://youtu.be/iLqZ5ne26dU

Feeling safe is important to me.  Feeling comfortable and safe in my home and neighborhood is important.  Much more now since I’m a single mom.  I’ve never really loved living alone and there was a time I worried about being the only adult around to physically protect my children.  I had to convince myself that I can take on much more than I think I can.  I would do whatever it takes to protect them, even in this body and just being a woman.  I have always reacted well in emergencies.  I always take change without hesitation and I told myself that anything that could happen I would do the same.  I would burst into action, without thought.  I learned to trust this and to give into knowing that I can’t control anything.  So why worry about things I can’t control.  Being cautious and safe is all I can do. 

I also make sure that people I love know they’re safe with me.  I always tell my children, I’m on your team, no matter what.  That even if they’ve made a mistake I’m always on their side and we can figure out how to fix whatever it is.  They’re safe with me. I also tried my best to help my ailing parents feel safe when they felt so out of control and weak with their bodies failing.  My dad near the end, was hallucinating and scared, as his kidneys stopped working and his blood turned into poison, and he cried out for me. I sat with him, held his hand and told him he was safe, that I was there and I’ve got him.   I started singing  you are my sunshine over and over and over again until he stopped feeling so scared.  I made him feel safe being there, loving him.  Safety is important. 

Being safe means another thing to me too. It means feeling safe with another, to fully be myself.  To know and trust that when I choose to allow someone in, that they won’t hurt me.  This is riskier for me because the reality is, no one can make those promises.  Too many factors play into promises like that.  I’ve let my guard down only for it to be misunderstood and I tore down walls to let in confusion.  I need to want and expect more for myself.  Never be ok with crumbs.  I disrespected myself I think.  Words don’t mean much without actions.  Words are just words.  Anyone can say anything.  Words aren’t always safe.

Feeling safe is as important to adults as it is to children.  I remember how feeling protected and safe was everything to me.  It meant it was ok to be.  One day I want to feel safe enough to be again. Until then I’ll focus on me.  Safe with trusting myself.  I’ll ‘climb to safety’ on my own. 

Painted Pictures

Why do people sell your roll in their lives as a negative one, when you know it was anything but?  They paint pictures of you as a negative, bothersome, emotion draining, pion. Why is it it important to leave key details out to align a pack of defenders?  Is it human nature?  I don’t know but I do know it’s not sustainable if you’re only sharing part of the truth.

My ex tried this for a long time.  He painted me as every possible terrible thing you could think of, to anyone who would listen.  At the beginning I’d try to defend myself.  Prove why it wasn’t true. I’d even question if it was, knowing deep down it wasn’t.  I’m never afraid to self reflect to see if I’m missing something or to admit I’ve been wrong.  This wasn’t the case.   I am all the things I’ve ever been.  All those things are good and kind.  Only once have I tried to hurt anyone for my own pleasure and it was to the woman who barged into my marriage, knowing what she was doing.  I don’t regret that one.  Otherwise,  it just isn’t possible. I never hurt people I care about, purposefully.  Over time I learned just to let him spout out whatever it was that made him feel better, knowing overtime it would just end.  Who he is isn’t something he can cover up and who I am isn’t something he can just choose to tarnish.  I’ve recently heard that he sings my praises.  Telling truthful things about who I am, how I was as a wife and mother and how he really messed up.  I’m sure this helps him out too because it makes him look humble.  The other way just made him look like a crazed liar.  Regardless, it all worked itself out, to a point.  

As an adult I’ve healed some friendship that went astray due to highschool drama or boyfriend drama in college.  All those things were laughed about, hugged out, and moved past.  Good friendships can pick right back up from where they left off without much work.  That’s love and connection and everyone has it with special people in their lives.  These friendships are cherished.   I become their go to person, their safe place where secrets are held, judgement doesn’t exist and help is given.  I’m proud of this part of me.  It isn’t hard work it’s just how I’m made.  I always knew it about myself but I see it even more because my daughter is exactly like me and those traits shine in her and I know they have in me all along as well.  This is a place in me that I will never deny, not ever, not because some people just don’t get it.  Don’t trust it. 

In this life no matter how I present myself or who I try to be to others, sometimes it is going to be misunderstood.  I get that.  I can talk myself in a thousand circles and still not be heard correctly.  I get that.  What I’ll never get is when someone paints a picture of you only using part of the information, purposely omitting things.  That I don’t understand.  How can you understand a problem when you leave your part out of it.  Maybe I leave some of my parts out too.  Maybe I’m blind to this, but I honestly try not to.  I honestly don’t think I do.  I will never paint a picture of anyone only using the negative information I pick and choose and how that chosen information affected me.  I will never build a wall of supporters around me and against you based on half truths. No matter what my history, my baggage, or any of my flaws.  I will try my best to think of anyone who’s been special to me in the best ways I think of them.  I expect the same.  This sounds easy enough.  

Painting pictures should bring life to and color people, positively.  It should never be an attempt to dim someone’s light.  I will color everyone in beautiful expressive colors because every connection, for however long, is a gift.  The short ones, the long ones, the forever ones.  Shit, I’ll even paint my ex happily.  I don’t want to think of him only as the horrific things he’s done.  He is and will always be my children’s father and once I loved him very much with all that I had.  There’s some reason for that.  Those times were sweet.  Like the kisses he use to give me on my forehead, when I was still asleep when he left…soft, comforting, pastels for sure.  

❤️️iom 

~As long as I can~

Have you ever been so drawn to someone it feels like you’ve know them forever.  I crave that kind of connection.  Most of my friendships started this way.  We just click.  Most of my romantic relationships start this way, there’s just that knowing look. There’s always one connection that seems bigger than the others, the one you keep going back to in your mind.  The one that is always making you smile and keeping  your focus.  Maybe there’s a lesson there, maybe there’s a reason but whatever it is, you never let it go because it feels right, so you hold on to those thoughts as long as you can because it feels right. Warm.  It seems to protect you from the monsters you fear…safe. Spooning thoughts.  What’s better than that, idk maybe great kisses.  Whatever it is I want to know.  Feels right.

Late night sleepy thoughts by me 😋🦄🙀~iom

Trust

I hate the title of  betrayed spouse but it’s my title as well as many others.  Strangely it’s been over a year and 1/2 and there are still people that don’t know, ask about him about our family, and I have to tell them….we aren’t together anymore.  It’s the simplest thing to say but I still hate saying it because of the looks I see afterwards.  Pity.  That’s a sticky look that I want off me.  So I smile and comfort them.  Give a touch, a pat on the arm, a squeeze of a their hand, to give a nonverbal “I’m ok”.   I am fine.  I’m over it, believe me I am so over it but I don’t want to say that, it sounds rude and I don’t want to speak of our marriage as those last defining moments.  I want to honor all the moments before, I want to honor the family I had before. Even if all of it was fake, it wasn’t for me.  So I try hard not to do that.  To not say I’m fine and he was an abusive, cheating, lying bastard and we’re lucky that he’s gone.  We’re not lucky that our family isn’t whole but we are lucky that we don’t live in his black cloud of chaos.  Even if he stole things from us. 

He stole the chance for our children to feel the safety of knowing their father is always there to protect them.  They don’t feel that, they’re not even sure they feel unconditional love.  They have ever right not to.  He is not a father to them, like my father was to me.  That to me is sad.  They don’t know any difference.  This is their reality and I’m sad for them not to know a mother and father who love each other.  This is what they needed to know how to love someone later.  I’ll try to tell them stories of love but they don’t see the reality.  They love the attention they get from the great male influences in their lives.  Their coaches, their friends dads and their uncles.  They all know, make an extra effort to show my children love.  Give them atta boys and atta girls.  Fill the void from where their dad struggles.  I’ll always hope for him to love being a father again.  He is better, but still not the same.  I’ll never believe there’s no chance of it.  There is always hope in that.  Our children are pretty awesome.  We’re lucky.

It is much easier to talk about what they lost because what I lost, is so personal.  As positive as I am, I see the silver linings, I believe tomorrow will bring a brighter day and I know I will be happy for the rest of my life, I just don’t believe I will ever be able to trust another person I love.  Ever.  I will never believe that that kind of love will ever exist for me.  I will convince myself that surrendering to someone else fully will be careless.  I will remind myself that doing that before put me in danger and that I have no space to be crushed anymore….so I won’t trust and that will be my shield.  That’s what he took from me.  The trust I easily gave.  The innocence in that.  The openness.  That’s what he took.  And that was a huge piece of me.  I miss that fun loving girl.  Always smiling, living, and loving my life.  Never doubting it was forever.  I’m still the same, always smiling, living and loving….I just know nothing is forever.   Never expect truth…taking it as it comes.

 Live in the moments. Trust no one.  

🕵🏼‍♀️🔑💃🙎🏼🙅🏼📷📹🎞💎⛓🔬

🙂iom